And ill tell you the worst part, you’re exactly the way I thought you would be

all i wanna know is why people suck. like dont be jerks. everything would be sooo much easier. but whatever, thats life i guess? i still think there is no reason for it. but oh wellll

And I think I’ve had it, but that makes two of us, cuz you’ve had it with me...

its alright cuz theres beauty in the breakdown...

tons have happened in the first half of this semester. its almost halloween now and the trees are absolutely gorgeous for like the next week and a half prob..me and ned took a picture on campus with our fav tree yesterday morning. everything is picking up speed and its exactly as crazy aas i thought it would and yes i do miss summer. I spent over 30 hours in the library last week between tests and papers but i think everything went ok. As far as classes go, i love my bio of extinct animal class and hate biochem of course (my teacher hates me) but yea...my internship is going great...just finished at Lioderman middle school working in a 7th grade class. I was there 2 days a week and honeslty learned a ton. seeing the normal routine of a classroom and all the planning helped me realize how much is involved in teaching. Middle school kids are just on crazk though. I loved them at first but they turned terrible by the 8th week. This week im supposed to be starting in a high school but i think its gonna be postponed because Mongomery Blair isnt ready for us yet apparently. Oh well. I could use some chill time. i also am starting to study for the Praxis 2 which im taking on Nov 14. really nervous because its basically a test of every single apsect of biology aka everything ive learned in hs and at UMD. along with the pedagody where i have to create a unit plan. so yea, gotta start studying..Friend news? hmm everyones pretty good, cant think of anything. my bday was a few weeks ago and i got a great shot book and sweet new license and camera!!! bday was awesomeeee everyone came who mattered and it was a perfect night at cstone, my second home (that and the CRC of course haha) also for homecoming my mom deis mom and jesses parents came up and it was raining so we all tailgted in regents garage with ned and his bro...good times :) Family news? my mom had surgery on her minicus so i went home last weekend for that. whiskers is going crazy and attacked her twice so hes on medicine. but i feel bad for him Other news? Obsessed with a new show called glee slash party in the USA by miley cyrus...and twilight comees out in a few weeks so im anxiously awaiting....Sorority and bball are good..Had to miss dated last week bc of tests but formal is the weekend b4 thanksgiving so its cool...everyone in the soro is getting along a MILLION times better than last spring so i am really enjoying being around my friends...deciding whether or not im taking a leave of absence next semester for my student teaching is something im procrasinating on doing. but im a horrible decision maker anyway is what ive found out recently. haha i really do miss ASB though since it took up soo much of my time last year. its wierd to have a little free time. Im in the process of trying to plan a million things in my life like a roadtrip and etc. Well i was trying to write an update that turned into a book but oh well. no one reads this anymore but i still like having a blog....I like reading my old entries and seeing how my moods change and stuff...yea but goodnighttt

Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that you only meant well?
Well, of course you did.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's all for the best?
Ah of course it is.

patterns in traffic, they sound just like my heart.

I was reading my blog from the end of july about feeling no attachment to summer and i just started thinking wow, what a difference a month makes. With summer really coming to a close this week, I have grown very attached to summer. The month of August has been amazing. No class, lots of play time at the pool including pool bball and vball, boy troubles decreasing alot, vacation to the North, and on top of all that, the LG crew has grown super duper close. In the past few weeks, we have had crab fest, gone to an O's game, christines bday happened, I went kayaking, among other things. So yea, I feel pretty upset that all the peeps are coming back to cp soon. Everything will have lines, the gym will be crowded, and the bars will prob not let me in. My sis is here permanently and I feel like all my friends are constanly coming and going and moving in and moving out and switching houses etc etc. Im glad I dont have to move. So i guess this is my redeeming post for summer, saying that I had some awesome times.

I was thinking about how hard it is to make the jump from being in a relationship to really embracing being single . When you are in a relationship, you cant imagine not being in it. When your single, you cant imagine being in love and obsessed with someone that much. I think that obstacle was one of the most important learning expiereinces I have been through, and I wish I could think of some way to give people the strength to make that leap. There are people who truely must be in relationship and talking to someone every night because that is all they know. And I feel bad because it sounds cheesy, but being single is how you discover who you are, what you want, and what you like. It is okay to not talk to any boy at all for a month, the world will not end. And I finally realized that. This is kinda a retarded rant, but reflecting on my past, I think everyone wants attention from the opposite sex, even if its just a text. I want to become independent to those things controlling my mood. that is my goal.

In other news, I read Angels and Demons, and a few other books including genotype diet, which tests your genotype then tells you the health problems your body type is most likely to encounter in your life. Apparently, I am a Warrior, which means I am beautiful in youth, have a thrifty metabolism, age quickly, have a great immune system, and almost never get sick. Cool I guess..haha Along came polly is on right now which is cracking me up inside because we were quoting lines from it the other day haha I am getting really worried about this semester...nervous about my internship. I had to drop SARPP because of conflicts but I honestly think this is happening for a reason...everything will work out in the end...after i get through this week. Sat is Kenny yessss :) but right now, its def the calm before the storm....

So they made my life into a movie
As if I could forget those years
But I know where the time's gone
Just how well my mind's been wandering...

the old man of the mountian...

so were in the white mountains in lincoln, NHamp. staying in Franconia Notch and its really beautiful. I feel like we are lost in the mountians which is fine by me. i would honestly stay here forever. haha ill write more later...lots has happened...but were meeting up with Ned tomorrow to swim and hike and do other things...our hotel is sweet. four pools, went for a nice little run today...streams everywhere. went to the flume gorge and basin today...should do the tram and lake tomorrow.. tiredddd. goodnight

help me to dream these dreams, cuz i dont have a clue.

the past is such a freaky thing to think about. how many people in your life have you had good memories with? bad memories with? any amount of time spent with them in some meaningful way to your life that has had an impact on you? how many of those people are still a part of your life? How do you balance getting the most out fo your life yet still staying in touch with the million people from your past? or better yet, how do you dig up the numbers of the people from your past that you cant stop thinking about and tell them? Or should you let the clock keep ticking and hope that with a few morre years, those lingering emotions will fade? do those people from your past ever stop to think abouut you? how do you hve any faith in the present when the past has been nothing but fucked up? how do you know the moment you are in now will not become some meaningless memory? The moment that you are in now, smiling nd laughing with friends...will it ever relly matter or will this be carried away by the wind? what defines a lasting memory? Can you force your mind to remember this moment or do emotions take over at some point like muscle memory you just cant help? When you leave this place, is there any proof that you were ever even here? and does anyone even care if there is? how among the sea of people out there and the thousand of aquaintances in your daily life, do you begin to sort through who is best for you? what is the peices of the puzzle dont just fall together like they do for everyone else? What if you have to work for it? what if no one is there to catch you when you fall? what if no one tells you the rules of this game? or worse, what if people tell you the wrong rules? how do you supress your jealously and hate enough to make it to the end? how do you make them think they didnt trick you? what if the line you are waiting in is neverending? and if your imagination has created all these relationships that will never amount to anything? what happens when your heart decides its time to give up?

where i used to think that my life would be good...
and i would do things that i thought that i should...
no ones gonna tear me down..
some things never do change...

i dont know what i can save you from...

its july 21st. wow where has the time gone? the boys are moving out of their rossburg houses this weekend and my sister is actually moving to cp for good on august 12th..i have two more weeks of this class then vacation with the fam for a week. then two weeks to relax here then a week of trainings then my lst semester of real classes start...whew. its been a rough couple days and right now, i must say i dont really have strong feelings of attachment to this summer. besides mountains of boy troubles which i refuse to even get into on here, i have been studying hard and working a trillion hours..it doesnt feel like summer for real. this summer is so weird. the normal crew is all dis combobulated and ppl are all over the place. i havent done anything really cool except for camping and hiking and going to jersey and OC. no big trips and i cant help but be jealous of my friends who get to go on big adventures and overseas. Sometimes i just feel like my life is destined to be in and around the state of MD. yea, i love it here and i dont take things for granted and i know there are beautiful spots here and i do take in every moment for what its worth trust me. every day when i bike around campus i think about how nice our campus is and how gorgeous it is to see it deserted and unused in the summertime and i try to cherish it since i know time is ticking down and i only have limited time at this University, which i love dearly. my sister will come in here and be a typical freshman, which i am starting to think may be a challnge for me to deal with. between monitoring her craziness and making sure my mom is ok, this year has the potential to be a tad bit stressful. I know i said it doesnt feel like summer but that doesnt mean it feels like the school year. what it really feels like is some weird time warp that is kind of boring but kind of relaxing and i cant decide which i like best. colby is currently sleeping in my bed, she has been coming here alot because she cant stand it in towson...understandable if you ask me. lol

so seeing other people happy is something i have been thinking about alot lately. this may sound abnormal coming out of my mouth but its hard to be happy when other ppl around you have the exact thing you have. and its not like i have one specific thing i want, its more of a few...any would be good but they are all not possible at this point in my life and try as i may, i cannot figure out why. and ive been getting wiird feelings about seeing people i previously has been rooting for win and me not feeling excited about it because i am trying to figure out where i fit into the big picture still. its wierd to explain on here, but yea. thats all i got to say really...sleep. i already used this quote before but i love it. lol....

i fought a war to walk a gangplank into a life i left behind....
windows lead into the past
think its time i broke some glass,
get this history off my mind...

slow down sister

pretty much similar to how everything this summer is going, i am lazy and never write in this. but now its past July 4th and time to get on the ball again. Slow down sister is currently one of my obsessions, along with every Lady Antebellum song ever. (Kenny Chesney, LA, and Miranda Lambert on August 29th!) but this song is the best ever. not only does it describe my life perfectly but it makes me happy, much like the highly debated song i got a feelin by the black eyed peas. and also this title was appropriate because I have been slowing down and enjoying the moment. Tonight we went to the river concert series and then had game night and it sounds cheesy and lame but i had alot of fun with colb my sis and emily. There has been alot going on this summer but at the same time not alot. My second summer class, bio of cancer, starts next Monday and I got an A in my first class, which was reading in secondary schools. Besides working, which i do like ten hours every day of the week, I have been reading, playing summer league bball and getting really beat up every wednesday, and getting really burnt. Last night at the bar, someone stepped on my sunburned toes and I cried. I couldnt help it; it was just a reflex because it hurt so bad. Like this is bad pain..but ok enough complaining. I saw Mr Heisler at the concert tonight and that was cool..Ugh everything else in my life is good. Michael Jackson died which is still pretty hard to believe and then there was a string of celebrity deaths so some people claimed a celeb killer was on the loose (those some ppl being my retarded friends) but yesssss.... I have also been leanring a few new things like how to play tennis, do a flip off the diving board, and play chess (although I need Ned to comoe back from boot camp cuz I def need more practice). So far this summer, I have gone to OC, camping in WV with friends, been hiking at Billy Goat's Trail, tour de jerz with dei and rachel for the fourrth, and made a pretty decent amount of money so far. I love life and doing whatever I want. And I am excited for senior year. Wow this entry was so tangenty and random but whateverrrr. I need to go read my genome book! Holler

Slow Down Sister, cuz I just cant love ya, but I just cant get ya off my mind!
some people say that I'm crazy, crazy for avioding you
But I got my freedom, and my reasons, reasons for what I do.....

thats why fireflies flash...

its summer, your thinking about leavin
all i wanna be doing is dreamin,
with you by my side
The answer comes on a late summer breeze
i cant help but freeze,
right where i am
the silent lightning lights up the sky
and in the corner of my eye, i think i see you cry
the headlights in the distance are a mystery
but this secret is not new to me
happiness replaced by a lie
but the headlights are blinding and i cant see the weather
i thought we would never not be together
praying for rain to cool off this night
on my knees as you near the horizon of my sight
gone forever
and ever
walking home alone, my wet shoes leave a trail
and my hand drags up the rail
lost without you
summer was supposed to be our time
and now pathetically, i cant get you off my mind
i should have known that beautiful things never last...

a little freeverse inspired by Ron Pope :) but back to hw i guess...

when they find the peices, they'll still never know the reasons.

oh st marys county. this is the dead week where i have nothing to do and its glorious. i have been home since sat and im going back on sat to work. then class starts monday. woo lol finals went amazing, im so proud of myself for pulling off such an awesome GPA. i got 3 A's and 3 B's which was a 3.53 and bumped my cumulative up alot so all thaat horrible studying was actually worth it this semester. seeing my friends graduate from college and my little sister graduating from high school tomorrow is a weird feeling. she is at grad. practice right now and it seems like just yesterday seriously that i was in her shoes. thinking about time going by is so insane. im happy with where i am now but you never really know what could happen tomorrow so how do you even go about planning the future years of your life? and how come life can seem so slow moving yet like its going by so freakin fast at the same time? hmm..yea just questions. i wanna get back to CP lol

and all you see is where else you should be...

Surfing on a Rocket..

so I really feel like I am living back in a dorm again. like i wrote a blog last night and my internet freaked out and erased it all. and my apt is 90ish degrees since our air is not being turned on until may 15th. i cannot believe it lol i am basically sitting in my a pile of my own sweat when i am home so yea...trying to stay away from there. the semester is starting to wind down which is great but an ever increasing amount of stress is looming. and this weather makes me not want to do ANYTHING at all. i really just want to go to the beach. lol but yes, things are going ok. My main concern now is getting my grades up and getting my summer figured out. I am staying here, taking two classes, working alot, and hopefully doing lots of other stuff on the side. So i found out i got the position of SARPP peer educator and AWB trip leader for next yr but I am waiting to hear back about head guard...but besides the heat and stress, everything is good. This weekened was awesome...it was MD day and 30 kids from Gaston NC came all the way up here for it. Amazing times..i got to take them around campus and everything which took alot of energy but we got liquid nitrogen ice cream, made putty, saw the fistulaated cow, got regular ice cream, swam in the fountian, sumo wrestled, went in the wind tunnel, etc, etc. It was sweet. I want to go back dwon there around final time to help out and visit but I dont know if that will work out..lots to figure out. also, greek week was so fun also just to throw that in there. now i feel like its time to buckle down and work. oh school how i love you...

i know what you wanna say...
i know it, but cant help feeling differently..
I loved you, i shoulda said it
but tell me just what has that ever meant?

just get back up when it knocks you down...

So not in a good mood but dont know if I would classify it as a bad one...classes are making me mad, people are making me mad, girls and boys in my life are making me mad...ugh I love the new keri hilson song though...knock you down...some of my fav lyrics go like this...

Say you gotta put the good with the bad, happy and the sad
So will you bring a better future than I had in the past oh
Cause, I don’t wanna make the same mistakes I did
I don’t wanna fall back on my face again
Whoaa, whoaaa I’ll admit it, I was scared to answer love's call
Whoaa, whoaaa and if it hits better make it worth the fall

Yea, boys suck. So do girls. grr.

I dont feel like writing a blog that makes sense today..Why do people think they can walk all over everyone int he entire world? I hate negative people, that is the one thing I try to not surround myself with because they get me down. When all I want to do is get them up :( Our PHA speaker tonight was about confronting idiots in your life to help them become better people but what if that is not enough? What if people never listen? I cannot wait to get out of CP this weekend and go home. I need home ASAP. I'll be dying easter eggs and stuff :)

Oh yea, someone started talking about their dad in class and I started crying..what is wrong with me? :( ugh heres some lyrics that remind me of him...

If you lop awake
In the mirror of a bad dream
And for a fractition of a second
You can't remember where you are
Just open your window
And follow your memory upstream
To the meadow in the mountain
Where we counted every falling star...

As I said after dated last week, I hate everyone haha mal..but seriously, I hate having this feeling...I am going to go work out...peaceee

dont see it coming when it happens,
but when it happens, your gonna feel it lemme tell you. now..

An active mind cannot exist inside an inactive body.

I seem to always blog about my weekends or random things I do, never about my normal life of family and friends but I guess I can do what I want, since it is my blog and all? So yea, this weekend was sooo tiring but amazing also. I got three free tshirts out of this weekend (yes, count them) so that is always the measure of how successful my days are. So this weekend was pretty much a success. On Saturday, I ran in the Jog for Justice 5K (free shirt #1) and I finished in 26 minutes flat. I had to run by myself :( but it was stil really good exercise, a decent time, and def for a good cause. Then, the rest of my day was consumed by Anchorsplash (tshirt #2), which is a charity swimming competition for another soro on campus. Sychonized swimming was entertaining and we actually won two of the races so that was good. Went to bed early.

Got up early on Sunday in order to lead Terp Service Weekend. Although we had some issues with the vans and gas and such, we got the YMCA in silver spring finally. I had to drive a 12 passenger van eneven though I was sure I left those days behind in Gaston haha. But we organized an entire shed and the rest of our team painted and I met some really cool people so that was good. Plus, we were back by like 1:30 when most of the hung over campus was just getting up, so we all felt very accomplished. Then since it was so beautiful out, I went to this frats bball tournament where I played for a hot second (Tshirt#3) then I went tanning (so relaxing!) and for a run around the lake...made me want summer even more than I already do...Junioritis anyone? YESSSS but finally last night I went to ASB reunion/celebration and got to talk about my trip which I love to do. The slideshow was also amazing and very insprining to see what all 15 of our trips did combined. I realized that the University of Maryland made a difference all over the world in a week. And that is sweet.

The rest of my night was filled with my lab report and here I am writing this today on Monday instead of working on my other lab report. ugh, thats life. In the paper today, it talked about how the semester is winding down and all I could think was no its nottttt. lol But I am going home next weekend for Easter and I am excited to see my mom, Kris, and Colb :) woo ok productivity time? oh ps I want a HUGE nap <3>

The life of a man consists not in seeing visions and dreaming dreams, but in active charity and willing service...

crazy beautiful

Besides still being on a major high from Gaston, this week might be the most stressful I have encountered this semester. On Thursday/Friday of last week, I had a mini breakdown because i was anticipating the horribleness of the mountains of work that were ahead of me. But really, between then and now (Tuesday) I have completed everything except for studying for my cell bio test which is tomorrow :( that's gonna suck but yea...why does work always hit you in waves? Not even manageable surfable waves, but huge tidal waves that hold you under water for days at a time. Sometimes, I feel like I live in a cave for days at a time when i am really focused on work. Oh stress. It sounds dumb but I have been to some stress workshops and I actually use some of the exercises they showed me to chill out when I feel myself freaking out. Whatever though, I just want it to be tomorrow night already because I will be at dated and all this stress will be over (until next week anyway).... Ugh SCHOOL I HATE YOU. But tomorrow I can register yay

Oh I went to VIA training this weekend, which stands for Victim Intervention Assistant, so I am now certified as a "safe person" for people to talk to about rape, sexual assault, abuse, stalking, harassment, and violence. I actually did learn a lot, although some of it I already knew, I am very happy I went and am now certified since these issues are so prevalent on our campus, especially in Greek Life, and so many people are not aware of it. 1 in 4 girls in college will be raped or have to fight off a rapist in her 4 college years. That is not just here; that is everywhere. I was blown away by that one. So, yea its a big issue and i really hope I can help people. I am also applying to be a SARPP peer educator which is along the same lines as VIA so hopefully I can make a bigger impact that way.

woo ok Chem lab time....



got no way of knowing exactly where I'm going,
but i feel so alive...
everything is changing, life is rearranging...
but i feel so alive...<3

the strength of the lion is the pride

Well here I am, safe and sound, surviving one of the most wonderful weeks of my entire life for sooo many reasons. My spring break was spent in the small town of Gaston, North Carolina. Population 973. So, me and my wonderful amazing group which consisted of 15 people all together and only one boy headed down in our two huge white vans on March 14th and came back on March 21st with memories that will honestly never fade.

We worked in a KIPP school there. KIPP stands for knowledge is power program and there are currently 66 KIPP schools in the country but that number is growing. Most are middle schools but high and elem schools are starting to be implemented. KIPP schools are public charter schools and take whoever applies, no question. These schools are put in high poverty areas with hopes of getting more students to college and closinig the acheivement gap. They do this by longer school days, stricter rules, sat classes, parent involvement, having no curriculum.

Gaston college Prepatory, which is the KIPP school we worked in, was special because it is one of the only rural KIPP schools in the country and also one of the original ones...6th I think? The issues that is adresses are the same as urban schools however, as we witnessed each morning when we passed by piles of junk outside trailer after trailer on the way to school. GCP has been open for 7 years now and back int he first year, there was only a fifth grade class. Every year after that, the fifth graders moved up and new fifth grade class came in so this year is the first year every grade is represented from 5-12. That means it is also the first year that the success of Gaston KIPP was made clear.

100% of High School Seniors got accepted into college. In a tricounty area where over 80% of the students fail their reading and maath tests at the end of each year, this number is absolutely staggering. We had the privledge of meeting many of these 40 some students who are recieving scholarships at schools all over. Most of them are the first in their family to go to college. Ask any of them and they will give the KIPP school system all of the credit.

We spent our week working with kids (and recieving pictures and letters from them..shoutout to my fav Sequan :) ), working for teachers, making friends, memories, getting to know the system, teaching (I got to teach a group of lovely 5th graders), grading papers, getting out butts kicked in mental math by middle schoolers, fighting about whether UNC is better than Maryland, chillin out on our beautiful lake vacation homes, cooking, laughing, playing basketball with the kids at PE, running lines with the kids at play practice, tutoring kids, and making posters.

Witnessing the extreme focus and concentration of the GCP kids was the most incredible thing I have seen. The positive upbeat attitudes of all the teachers promoted student thinking. The college flags everywhere reminded students that they have attainable real future. Never have I met such amaing kids with such high goals for themselves at such a young age. Their motivation is through the roof. They do all their homework everynight. Every student waves their arms enthustically every time a question is asked, in hopes of answering it. Insprirational Quotes are covering every single wall. Teachers design what they want to teach and then teach it. They paint their room in whatever color they want and can change it whenever they want. Both the teachers and students think of themselves as a team and support one another. The teachers are constantly fine tuning their teaching week to week.

This expierence really cannot be described effectively with words but there you go; I tried. Being a leader of this trip was awesome. I gained so many good skills I can use in the future and gained 14 friends in the process. I cannot express how thankful I am for this opportunity and how smooth everything went. I also got a huge affirmation that teaching is really what I want to do by spending all this time in Gaston. The atmosphere at the school was something I cannot wait to be a part of and now I want to be a teacher even more :)

I am not saying the KIPP system is perfect, all I am saying is that seeing a group of strong people trying to change the world for the better left me with a sense of hope. I would love to go back and visit because I really think GCP and Pride High have amazing things going on down in good old Gaston. <3

"If there is no struggle, there is no progress." -Fredrick Douglass

whats your IMPACT?

So this weekend was filled with the IMPACT leadership conference which was conveniently held at our school this year. Just FYI, the IMPACT conference is the largest gathering of students leaders in advocacy, social change, and service...so yea, there was alot of very influential and inspiring people there, many of whom i got the chance to meet. I went to six workshops, an opportunities fair, and had an opportunity to network. I was BLOWN away at how much I did not know about the world of service and how much I see that I have to grow. I can feel my passions growing inside of me and I think brining back some skills I learned this weekend can def help improove our campus in whatever way I want to use it. I went to a workshop on cultural competence, fundraising, opportunities with working and partnering with NPOs, how education is the most powwerful tool for fighting poverty, and one on how to engage and keep volunteers active. I coulf write forever about alot fo these topics but whats more important about this weekend was the people from the other 100 campuses I met who are doing absolutely amazing things with their organizations. This weekend made me realize that things in my life that I consume myself with are irrelevant compared to the problems of the world. I am committin myself to becoming more politically active and aware on campus because as I learned at the hunger banquet I attended last night, if you are reading this, you are part of the richest 15% of people in the world.Think about that. If your family or yourself makes over 10,000 per year which many of us in America would consider poverty level, you are in the richest 15% of the world. If that doesnt motivate you to care about other people, I dont know what will. The IMPACT conference was a great expierience to have and I feel so wierd that I never knew this world existed. I want to step up and take responsibility in the world and be a voice for the 85% of the world who have virtually no voice. It's not fair that only because of conditions they cannot control, like the situation of their birth, they are suffering and we are not. They are not to blame. And thiking you cant do anything to help is so ignorant. First step, learn and be open. Knowlegde really is power. Then, apply what you love and are good at in some way, in ANY WAY, to those who need your help. Service and advocacy is so powerful and I am not claiming I have the best grasp on it, but I will tell you that compared to last Thursday, I am a different person.
So, that was just a summary of my conference...tried to keep it short never works. But girls ACC championship is on right now and I got tons of work to do and sb is next week so theres alot going on..weirdly nothing seems that serious cuz my mind is filled with IMPACT thoughts..but yeaaaa <3


"Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that." -Norman Vincent Peale

leave me alone im lonely

I am so pumped and pleased with my life and its a friday and im not even out and im not even talking to anyone..its so weird lol i wanna be alone right now. but i want attention also. hence the pink song im listening to right now is perfect i love it :) so yeaaa woo weekend! This weekend is regionals for bball and hopefully we win and go to detriot which would be super sweet. There is alot going on in my life right now so ill give you the worldwind summary.

I got sponsered to go the IMPACT leadership conference next weekend so I am really excited to get some useful leadership expiereince in my life...I am applying to be a SARP peer advocate and I really want it! I am freaking out about ASB because our trip leaves in two weeks exactly and i feel like there is a million things to do today but today was our local service trip and i met some tight ass third graders there so that was cute..hmm what else. boys are insane as usual. but friends are awesome :) I love college park and i love life. classes are ok. did bad on my chem test but great on cell bio..you win some you lose some you know...ugh that was a fast summary.

I did feel like writing but there is just too much to say and a pile of laundry that needs to be folded and a shower calling my name...and for that matter, a bed calling my name. latelly i have just wanted to pass out at night lol tiring days i guess...shoutout to jamie and her new tattt! Im so proud and shocked but call me james when you read this..since you didnt call me back tonight sluttt haha love you and goodnight

go away give me a chance to miss you...
say goodbye it will make me wanna kiss you..

Tell me why your so hard to forget...

Dont remind me, I'm not over it yet
Tell me why
I cant seem to face the truth
I'm just a little too not over you...

yea. david archuetas new song. thanks to colb im a tad bit obsessed. also im obsessed with the word tad for some reason. dont know where that came from haha ok so im in an artistic mood so im gonna write what comes do a little bit of a free write you know...

its weird to me to think about life and decide whether i am happy or sad at a particular moment. i am happy because something amazing just happened, like the cute boy who is in a million of my classes ends up working at the ice skating rink and being really good at that which is hot, or i can be mad at the moment, like how i felt earlier when i was standing around wasting my life at plegding in when all i wanted to do was sleep, but no matter what, i always come to the conclusion that life is a big cycle. like thre are generally happy or optimistic people and then those who are..lets say just not. but there is no one on the earth who can be happy 24/7...so when you claim that so and so is the happiest person ever and always cheerful thats a lie. Putting things into perspective for me is the biggest tool that assists me in rationalizing my life, and i would like to thank community service and service learning for that 100%. let me explain. When something goes wrong in my life, its really easy to blame it on things. Compared to alot of my friends lives, i am not as fortunate as them. It is a solid fact that alot of my friends are richer than me, skinnier than me, luckier than me, have two parents, have a boy that they feel like is wroth trusting in their life, etc etc. When you take the time to think about it, you can see in your own life, alot of things are wrong too im sure. When comparing yourself to the people around you, it feels like the world isnt fair. But imagine going to totally different parts of the country or the world, where people dont have college degrees, where racism still exists, where most kids are orphaned or born with AIDS, where hatred and greed and love of money dominates every aspect of life, where people are forced to do things they dont believe in..whatever the case, there are sooo many places that are worse off and so many things that i honestly take for granted. It really and truely is all about perspective, and this is something you cannot get from doing nothing and staying within your comfort zone. you cant learn anything without effort to gain the expireiences.

“You must look within for value, but must look beyond for perspective."

"Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth."

This quote is awesome because it reminds me that every person sees things differently. Thats why ten people can all look at the same picture and when asked to describe it, not one will say the exact same thing. That is insane to me. We all have brains and learn the same things growing up in schools, yet our expieerences and our individual differences cause us to develop these vastly different views, beliefs, and values that give us each numerous truths. and who is to say that one persons truth is better than another persons? ugh I dunno, im getting a tad bit serious here (ahh there i go using that word again lol) oh well I am all written out for now...night

Tomorrow it may change...

oh man, its Feb, meaning alot of things but most importantly Deis birthday is today and of course we are doing her shots on Vday to celebrate so this weekend should be good. Recruitment just finished which is what I have been immersed in for the last two weeks. Everything went wonderfully and I do have to say that I am borerline obsessed with a few new girls. So I guess you can say all the yelling and bitchiness and skit practices and getting sick and awkward conversations were worth it? haha but seriously the past two weeks may have been crazy but it reminded me of alot fo reasons why I joined sigkap in the first place, and being around all the sisters really helped me remember some things it seems I have forgotten, so I am thankful for that. Also, very thankful for being able to recruit all the time because at this time last year, I was going through a really hard time and was not even in a right state to recruit. I was talking to tori about this but its like even though we complain endlessly about recruitment and how much we hate it, if you are healthy enough and happy enough that that is your biggest complaint, you are soooo lucky. And I see that :)

Besides sorority stuff, basketball started last week and I feel like I have thousands of random things to do all the time. Same old story I guess, but the difference is I actually feel like my life is under control. Besides being up til 4:30AM last night finishing my chem lab, things are good. I LOVE my new backpack cuz I can pack changes of clothes and anything I might need for the day which is good because I usually do not have breaks to go chill and switch books or get a gym outfit or fix my makeup..some may look at me and say NERD ALERT. but I really dont care haha This is the first free second I have had in a week...I am not even kidding. I cant wait to go to sleep and get caught up on everything I have been pushing to the side. I still have to finish Dei's shotbook but dont worry, its going to be awesome. lol Okay, just to wrap up, I have some new boys on my radar. and I am a little excited. Speaking on of my radar, I love Britney's new single If you seek Amy. Like LOVE it. And speaking of celebritys, I HATE chris brown for hitting Rihanna. I really might delete all of his music off my ipod. WTF yooooo? ugh okay, I really could go on pointlessly forever but I guess I have nothing important to say so I should try to do something productive like my philosophy of education homework (arent you jealous of me right now?) peace and love

......but not today

And if you ever said you miss me, then dont say you never lied...

brand new is making my life make sense. haha i am so strange when i get in these lyricey moods. So I had my philosophy class today (before they cancelled class for the snow YAY) and all i have been doing is complaining about how much I am going to hate that class all day. Now, im starting to think i may be wrong. i know its not my forte, but i love song lyrics and poems and do use them to apply to my daily life and maybe the ideas i can read about and gain from this class will be no different. just a thought. I love to think about the big picture of life; I guess i just dont agree that it should be a real thing to devote your whole life to and major in and so on. And slow moving classes where you donot learn things that are tangible and right and wrong make me mad. Its not that i cant handle open endedness or im not a crticial thinker or any of that BS. Its more that i think its a waste of time to be learning how people think. Think for yourself fools. I dont want to be paying money for a philosophy class when sciences classes are so much more concrete and fast paced and real and practical for me. I dont know, its just classes like this are such BS and i dont think it should be required to take to be able to be a teacher. ok enough of that.

Moving on, snow day today was productive. Dei fell no surprise haha :) she doesnt even read this anymore so its cool. Also, we lost to BC which is another aspect of my life i want to vent about. First of all, pissed at the team. After an embarrassing loss to Duke by 40 freakin points, we let this one slide outta our grasp after leading all game. And to top it all off, our fans are so negative. I consider myself a loyal fan but even i am fusterated..so all the people who dont really care, its just really esy to trash talk our team right now. and i feel like i can trash talk them a little but its different when these ppl who dont even know whats up trash talk..haha im such a hypocrite but arent we all?

Next topic of crapiness is the money situation in my life. So I am getting NAILED with $475EK dues, $150 for ASB, and bout $400 for books this semester (outragous, i blame CHEM) all in the span of two weeks. WTF. Where am i supposed to come up with $1000. Thank the good lord that some of my finicial aide is built in for this sort of crap, but like seriously. Money is worryinig me....

Sorority stuff is in full swing and despite what I thought, I have been very happy while at the house. I am in the skit this semester and I know its only day two of the semester but I feel so much better about this smester in general. Like I am truely going to work on not stressing out which is the hardest thing for me. Its not like im gonna freak and cry but each day i have to make this exact list and rush to get everything done on it and feel like i cant take some relax time to talk to my friends and i just have to be work work work or ill fall behind. its hard to understand unless your in my head but yea i tried. lol

i dont even want to get into how much ASB is stressing me out. I have so much more to do with it. i dont even wanna start listing it....

So thats it. The semester is in full swing minus this snow. so now ill leave you with another brand new lyric to drift off to sleep with...peace y'all

Well I love you so much
But do me a favor baby, don’t reply
Because I can dish it out
But I cant take it..

If all else fails,

tomorrow is the first day of Spring 09 semester...this weekend was great, an awesome start to this semester. I am dreading the craziness that tomorrow will bring...its wierd though, i just got done with my winter class (which i got an A in YAY!) and now, two days later, its time to really start stuff up again. were watching tool academy, which is the most hilarious new show that is pretty much charm school for guys. The guys are such Aholes its ridiculous, but i guess all guys have a jerk side to them sometimes. I am so tired, I am passing out after this show is over. I got like four hours of sleep last night haha so last week on Mondayh, me jesse dei and julie went to philly which was so fun cuz we took tons of pictures and saw the liberty bell and the LOVE sign and just were tourists and it was a nice girls day trip. Then, Tuesday was Inaguration. Alot of my friends went but I just watched it from the couch, which was def good enough for me. It is so strange to think that the same mall i have seen abandoned a million times was covered with 1.5+ million people. Yay Obama :) On Wednesday, I had class and then went back to Whitetail with areya, christine and her rooommate who was really cool. Areya made me go down alot of hard hills, which i handled ok until i wiped out and did a million soumersalts and of course happened to be under the lift so all these boys were like damnnnn girl you ok down there? and everyone stopped and looked and yea. Then we saw a prostitute and her buyer on a pre sex date at dennys?? i think ha Thursday, Friday, and Sat were just filled with my final and sigkap prerecruitment drama and practice. Im in skit this yr and my part is great. One line and a slow mo run haha oh my sororityyyyy...and now were at Sunday. i dont know why I always blog on sunday, guess cuz its like when i gather myself for the coming week and close up on the previous one. blah ok time to sleep love youuuuu

you can look up at the sky,
because its the same one that shines above you and I...

everythings a piece of everyone...

winter break is such a weird twlight zone time period, and i really like it...and i can tell you why. its because i haave stuff to do every day but its not ovverwhelming and its a routine. like i am beginning to reconize everyone is in my class and everyone who goes to the gym between 12-3 and everyone who swims in the pool from 3-close. luckily today im not working..I just had my second midterm in my winter class, it wentn pretty well. so many people in that class get on my nerves though. I guess its cuz i see them everyday but its so annoying. But there are two very special members of the class who i have crushes on. they both have been in my classes before but its only just now that i have time to obsess about them. I am particularly interested in one but hes really quiet so i dont know how to talk to him. jody told me i have to talk to him by next friday our last day, she makes me feel like im in 5th grade. lol i realized that i have a serious problem in that i get about a zillion crushes on guys in a normal day. then i just obsess aand imagine what it would be like if we were together then im on the next one and i forget about the old ones...its strange but i like it. it helps me pass the time, but i rarely have a crush that lasts ovver a month. haha well i have wasted the majority of this day which is awesome. i am dreading next week when real stuff starts happening. i like the slow moving pace of my life right now because I have time to think and reflect and do stuff that prob..well off to ledos with scott and the wife. love you

I think we'd still be travelling together...through all kinds of weather...<3

so this is the new year....

and i gotta go against death cab here; I do feel really different. haha theres a ton going on in my life but if your important you already know..the point is that I am happy...so my news years resolutions are 2/5 of the way done and its only Jan. 8th. lol I am back at school taking a winter class and working and having alot of fun, so thats that. I do have alot to write about but for some reason I dont feel like blogging all that much. Im about to go to class then workout then finish making this cake for johns birthday today. then maybe to the library and whereever else. winter break is awesome I have already decided. A in my class, here I comeeeeee

By the way, the rest of break after christmas was amazing..jamie came home and i wish i had more time with her but she is right; it never feels like I havent seen her in as long as I have. But also, i got to see some very important people to me that I havent seen in months and everything went perfectly :). Since I am in such a good mood, here are some happy lyrics..have a great January day for me

I'm alive
I dont need a witness to know that I survived
I'm not looking for forgiveness
Yea I just need light
I'll be lying in the dark as I search for the resolution....