your words are inked on my skin....

never thought I could love anyone but myself

Now I know I can't love anyone but you....

And so it goes, this soldier knows

The battle with the heart isn't easily won...

You are not mine to ask things of
But I ask you anyway.

you let me in but then you slam my fingers in the door.

i've had enough but i keep asking you to give me more.

The colored lights, they brightly shine

Unlike your eyes avoiding mine

the truth impales, that you don't need me, but you won't leave me

I am giving up on making passes and

I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses

I find you stunning, but you are running me down...

Sometimes what we think we really want we don't

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no

sometimes what we think we want we really dont

And if I was stronger then I will leave this show

Sometimes what we think we love we don't

And if I was stronger then I would up and go

But here I am and here we go again

all i can do is keep breathing....

Oh what a night is tonight

I think I'm ready to fight
Now that my broken bones all have been healed

I think I'm starting to feel

We don't say a word

There's nothing to say that hasn't been heard

Tell me what to do, to take away the you

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,

Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys...

I have come to learn I'll only see you interrupting my dreams at night

And that's alright....

The only way to really know is to really let it go

Happy is the heart that still feels pain

Darkness drains and light will come again
Swing open your chest and let it in

just let the love love love begin. <3

i just wanna know something today...

Reading my old blogs has surprisingly helped me put things into perspective tonight. Sometimes i shock myself by how much insight i can give myself. and i guess this is one reason that i do blog and journal and write poems and stuff, its so i can draw inspiration from myself when i need it. seeing how strong and insightful i was two years ago pushes me to be more insightful now and grow more. i have not written in an extremely long time and i dont know why. i sort of forgot i even had a blog which is embarrassing. But it is almost the end of july. I graduated from college about two months ago, but still hanging out in cp for a few more weeks. This summer has been VERY different from every summer before and from every time in my life before. i wouldnt exactly call it a funk, but all of my friends are gone and i am still in limbo here. dont get me wrong its been amazing. i went to jamaica, bonnaroo, and RI for the 4th of july. I have hung out with my lifeguards and tanned and got to know some pretty cool people as always. i have been interviewing and into that whole process and finally accepted a job offer last week so I see the end now. I am in such a weird place and i cannot really explain it to anyone. Its like an era of my life is coming to a close, and reading my blog makes me see how crazy it is. I am always a person who loves the moment and goes with the flow, and this will be no different but having all this down time makes me reflect on things and too much time with my mind can be a bad thing for me. Its like I already lost my apartment, most of my friends, but i am still physically in college park so the transition is not complete. and i need to get away from some situations here and just the lifestyle and craziness of college. Its like im ready to leave but not ready to leave. like that line in the sherwood song. "cuz id move away but im never to leave." so 3 weeks left here in cp. how do i feel so young yet feel like a grown up at the same time? So strange. Im like hanging onto things and picking and choosing what i want to give up on. wow i sound like im rambling. i just cant wait to get home, settled, stable my life, become healthy and start my career. but its def hitting me and i will actually admit its a lot harder than i thought it would be to move forward.

A List of Things I want to do over the next year:

1. Paint/Redo my room

2. Run Another Half Marathon

3. Start My Masters/ Figure out plan for that

4. Get involved coaching

5. Be an awesome teacher

6. Go on a cruise

7.TBC

...know that maybe i will be ok.