gotta keep my faith alive til love is found

the world can be a very unfair place i have decided. and its also a very complicated place. when you become an adult, nothing is simple or easy. there only gets more and more added to the chaos. I am at an interesting place in my life right now. I am moving out of my home with my mom and into a basement apartment 20 minutes away. I came to this decision for alot of reasons, and people have different opinions about it. Honestly, I know i am making the right one for me so I am excited. I started moving alot of my stuff in today and can officially spend the night there in two nights (in my king size bed!)

So the reason why the world is unfair is because my brand new RAV4 who i dearly love was broken into and vandalized in the parking lot of great mills. this is unfair on many levels. it is unfair because i was on an overnight field trip with the track team of great mills at our state competition in baltimore. it is unfair because there were other cars in the parking lot that did not get touched. it is unfair because i did nothing to deserve it. it is unfair because i devote so much time and energy to my kids , and knowing that one of them did this to my car (not technically my kids but a student that is classmates with them) breaks my heart and makes me so angry that i don't know how to handle myself. I spend all day every day with these kids and i love them to death. But why? and why me? I know asking these questions will not help, but i am angry and think i deserve to be. it is such a sad thing, so not productive to anyones life. now this week, the week that already would have been complicated with moving and such, is made a million times harder because i don't have a car and have to deal with insurance and a rental and x,y,z.

I fell overwhelmed by life now that i am handling my own stuff. it is alot more complicated than most people let on, and i know i just have to learn how to balance and organize. that is part of getting out of my moms house. I need to come up with my own ways to keep track of my stuff and work my life out. I am so excited for school to be over and summer to be here because i wil have time to sort through life. I feel like im in a major rush all the day and i need to figure out summer plans, but i guess i will be okay just hanging out. sometimes i wish i could travel more but that requires money and im fine with being patient for right now. i dont want to sarifice all that i have right now because i like it and im learning alot. i really hope that with the move done and my car fixed, i can focus on finishing up this year with the kids, planning my summer, and becoming a better teacher and coach next yr. one step at a time,i have rarely felt that staying positive is hard to do, but with such a downer with my car right now, it is a little diffucult. lets just keep trucking and hope for the best this summer. needless to say, my memorial day was not all it was cracked up to be. (except for seeing christine and jamie of course)

thats the reason why sometimes im feeling under
thats the reason why sometimes im feeling down...

where is the love?

We cannot end anywhere but at the beginning once again.

"you know, i do believe in magic. I was born and raised in a magic time, in a magic town, among magicians. Most everybody else didn't realize we lived in that web of magic, connected by the silver filaments of chance and circumstance, but i knew it all along. See this is my opinion: we all start out knowing magic. We are born able to sing to birds and read clouds and see our destiny in grains of sand. But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get put on the straight and narrow, and told to be responsible. Told to act our age, and you know why we were told that? Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness in youth and because the magic we knew made them sad that they allowed it to wither within themselves. After you go so far away from it, you cant really get it back. So you can have seconds of it, seconds of just knowing and remembering. When people get weepy at movies its because in that dark theater, the golden pool of magic is touched just briefly. Then they come out into the hard sun of logic and reason again and it dries up, and they're left feeling sad, and not knowing why. When a song stirs a memory, when spots of dust turning in a shaft of light takes your attention aWay from the world, when you listening to a train passing on a track at night in the distance and you wonder where it might be going, you step beyond who you are and where you are. For the briefest of instants, you have stepped into the magic realm. Thats what i believe.

END OF ONE TREE HILL QUOTE! I CRIED OBVIOUSLY. actually cried during glee tonight too. What is wrong with me.

just because everything is different doesnt mean anything has changed.

change is a coming, and im so exicted for the future!

Eliminate impossible to find truth

ok i need to vent about alot of things...i went to cp this weekend

better by far to forget and smile, then to remember and be sad.

is this quote true? this weekend i saw a million people who used to be important to my college life. this included sorority sisters, people i worked with, people from my bball team, lots of guys i used to talk to and date and whatever. i was back in the college lifestyle, drinking and hanging out and wasting the weekend away. Anyway the point is I hung out with a ton of people who i had a lot of history with, but i have been gone for about 10 months now. It opened my eyes in some weird ways and I am scared that i will not be able to explain this like i want to. college seems so far away from me, an although it was good to see people, i would say overall i realized i am over the college park scene. what a weird weird thing that i thought i would never say. i saw how crazy and senseless some of the things we used to do were, and although i was wrapped up in it then, i feel like i see things in a much clearer perspective now. i was constantly thinking abut my kids and it was just strange. i really cant explain in like i said but yea...thought provoking weekend.

in other news, i dont know if im doing the right thing regarding alot of decisions in my life. what to do, what to do.

"Happiness is a choice that requires effort sometimes."