help me to dream these dreams, cuz i dont have a clue.

the past is such a freaky thing to think about. how many people in your life have you had good memories with? bad memories with? any amount of time spent with them in some meaningful way to your life that has had an impact on you? how many of those people are still a part of your life? How do you balance getting the most out fo your life yet still staying in touch with the million people from your past? or better yet, how do you dig up the numbers of the people from your past that you cant stop thinking about and tell them? Or should you let the clock keep ticking and hope that with a few morre years, those lingering emotions will fade? do those people from your past ever stop to think abouut you? how do you hve any faith in the present when the past has been nothing but fucked up? how do you know the moment you are in now will not become some meaningless memory? The moment that you are in now, smiling nd laughing with friends...will it ever relly matter or will this be carried away by the wind? what defines a lasting memory? Can you force your mind to remember this moment or do emotions take over at some point like muscle memory you just cant help? When you leave this place, is there any proof that you were ever even here? and does anyone even care if there is? how among the sea of people out there and the thousand of aquaintances in your daily life, do you begin to sort through who is best for you? what is the peices of the puzzle dont just fall together like they do for everyone else? What if you have to work for it? what if no one is there to catch you when you fall? what if no one tells you the rules of this game? or worse, what if people tell you the wrong rules? how do you supress your jealously and hate enough to make it to the end? how do you make them think they didnt trick you? what if the line you are waiting in is neverending? and if your imagination has created all these relationships that will never amount to anything? what happens when your heart decides its time to give up?

where i used to think that my life would be good...
and i would do things that i thought that i should...
no ones gonna tear me down..
some things never do change...

i dont know what i can save you from...

its july 21st. wow where has the time gone? the boys are moving out of their rossburg houses this weekend and my sister is actually moving to cp for good on august 12th..i have two more weeks of this class then vacation with the fam for a week. then two weeks to relax here then a week of trainings then my lst semester of real classes start...whew. its been a rough couple days and right now, i must say i dont really have strong feelings of attachment to this summer. besides mountains of boy troubles which i refuse to even get into on here, i have been studying hard and working a trillion hours..it doesnt feel like summer for real. this summer is so weird. the normal crew is all dis combobulated and ppl are all over the place. i havent done anything really cool except for camping and hiking and going to jersey and OC. no big trips and i cant help but be jealous of my friends who get to go on big adventures and overseas. Sometimes i just feel like my life is destined to be in and around the state of MD. yea, i love it here and i dont take things for granted and i know there are beautiful spots here and i do take in every moment for what its worth trust me. every day when i bike around campus i think about how nice our campus is and how gorgeous it is to see it deserted and unused in the summertime and i try to cherish it since i know time is ticking down and i only have limited time at this University, which i love dearly. my sister will come in here and be a typical freshman, which i am starting to think may be a challnge for me to deal with. between monitoring her craziness and making sure my mom is ok, this year has the potential to be a tad bit stressful. I know i said it doesnt feel like summer but that doesnt mean it feels like the school year. what it really feels like is some weird time warp that is kind of boring but kind of relaxing and i cant decide which i like best. colby is currently sleeping in my bed, she has been coming here alot because she cant stand it in towson...understandable if you ask me. lol

so seeing other people happy is something i have been thinking about alot lately. this may sound abnormal coming out of my mouth but its hard to be happy when other ppl around you have the exact thing you have. and its not like i have one specific thing i want, its more of a few...any would be good but they are all not possible at this point in my life and try as i may, i cannot figure out why. and ive been getting wiird feelings about seeing people i previously has been rooting for win and me not feeling excited about it because i am trying to figure out where i fit into the big picture still. its wierd to explain on here, but yea. thats all i got to say really...sleep. i already used this quote before but i love it. lol....

i fought a war to walk a gangplank into a life i left behind....
windows lead into the past
think its time i broke some glass,
get this history off my mind...

slow down sister

pretty much similar to how everything this summer is going, i am lazy and never write in this. but now its past July 4th and time to get on the ball again. Slow down sister is currently one of my obsessions, along with every Lady Antebellum song ever. (Kenny Chesney, LA, and Miranda Lambert on August 29th!) but this song is the best ever. not only does it describe my life perfectly but it makes me happy, much like the highly debated song i got a feelin by the black eyed peas. and also this title was appropriate because I have been slowing down and enjoying the moment. Tonight we went to the river concert series and then had game night and it sounds cheesy and lame but i had alot of fun with colb my sis and emily. There has been alot going on this summer but at the same time not alot. My second summer class, bio of cancer, starts next Monday and I got an A in my first class, which was reading in secondary schools. Besides working, which i do like ten hours every day of the week, I have been reading, playing summer league bball and getting really beat up every wednesday, and getting really burnt. Last night at the bar, someone stepped on my sunburned toes and I cried. I couldnt help it; it was just a reflex because it hurt so bad. Like this is bad pain..but ok enough complaining. I saw Mr Heisler at the concert tonight and that was cool..Ugh everything else in my life is good. Michael Jackson died which is still pretty hard to believe and then there was a string of celebrity deaths so some people claimed a celeb killer was on the loose (those some ppl being my retarded friends) but yesssss.... I have also been leanring a few new things like how to play tennis, do a flip off the diving board, and play chess (although I need Ned to comoe back from boot camp cuz I def need more practice). So far this summer, I have gone to OC, camping in WV with friends, been hiking at Billy Goat's Trail, tour de jerz with dei and rachel for the fourrth, and made a pretty decent amount of money so far. I love life and doing whatever I want. And I am excited for senior year. Wow this entry was so tangenty and random but whateverrrr. I need to go read my genome book! Holler

Slow Down Sister, cuz I just cant love ya, but I just cant get ya off my mind!
some people say that I'm crazy, crazy for avioding you
But I got my freedom, and my reasons, reasons for what I do.....