Life doesn't always give you the people you want....

When I look around, nothing is how i expected it would be.
eight years ago, my dad was still here and i had no idea what the terrors of cancer and death really meant.
seven years ago, I struggled to find meaning in life.
six years ago, i was knocked out by a first love to the fullest power, naively thinking it would never go away.
five years ago, i was wrapped up in end of high school festivities, thinking my world would never be any less joyous than it was today.
four years ago, i was engulfed by the many opportunities of a college lifestyle...
three years ago, i was paying for my carelessness and battling one of the most crippling experiences of my life.
two years ago, i learned how to trust again, and began to see the big picture of life outside of my own.
one year ago, i was blinded by the reality that my kid time was coming to a close.
today, i am overwhelmed by the day to day life i live and still confused as to what my purpose is.
nothing stays the same...
weve all got a long way to go.
but we are more than what meets the eye, and every year is a step in the direction we were meant to go.
letting yourself feel sad when you are sad must be done, no one cares about this show your putting on for them
just be true to you.
wow what a random rant.
anyway...








....it gives you the people you need. To help you, hurt you, to love you, and to make you the person you were meant to be.

if you judge people, you will have no time left to love them.

so ive been having trouble sleeping all week, actually im not gonna lie...for the last couple of months but lately it has gotten to the point where i am getting worried. my students are amazing and so frustrating at the same time..its such an intense paradox and no one can really understand it. every day i am exhausted because i am to cram a million things into one day and fix everyone life before they go home. i only have them for so long and its so frustrating when they do not listen to you. i want more than anything in the world to see them succeed and for them to do well at everything. its safe to say that i love them so much. but with love comes a vulnerability, and i haven't mastered how to keep my own feelings safe. they are only 15 but each one has such a messed up life. when they get mad at me, i try to stay calm but my heart is so deeply involved that i lose it sometimes. i dont know why they would ever say im against them or degrade themselves and others. i don't know why they would throw things at me or kick things across my classroom. i want to know why, i want to understand. i never want to be mad but they are relentless in their seeking of negative attention. the problems stem from everywhere and i understand i cant do it all but i am scared for myself. i am getting my hopes up and my kids are al i think about. everything is about how to best do this, what accommodations can i make for this person and none of them see any of the hard work that i put in just for them to graduate from high school. i dont have energy to talk or explain my life to anyone and i literally stay awake at night worried about what my students are doing right at this moment. sometimes i want to be more than their teacher so i can be there for them. its such a strong feeling of attachment already and i have had them for only 3 months. they are amazing but i have had to grow up so fast just to handle them on a day to day basis. they are six years younger than me. they joke about some of the same things my friends joke about. and its not that i dont like my friends anymore, i just need to be a strong reliable person for my kids, and being around wasted cursing people every second i'm not with them is not a way to mature myself so i can guide my kids in the right direction. if i dont try to help them, i cant guarantee that anyone else ever will. this is their chance, and as hard as it is each day, i am learning to be patient in ways i never knew was possible for myself. no one understands until they see my classroom, but each day is like a mountain waiting to be climbed. its exciting, i love it, but there is no messing around anymore. its all or nothing, and of course, im going to choose all.

A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others.

My favorite pump up marathon training quotes

"Running is a big question mark that's there each and every day. It asks you, 'Are you going to be a wimp or are you going to be strong today?'"
- Peter Maher, Canadian marathon runner

"I run because it's so symbolic of life. You have to drive yourself to overcome the obstacles. You might feel that you can't. But then you find your inner strength, and realize you're capable of so much more than you thought."
--Arthur Blank

In the midst of winter, I found there was within me an invincible summer.

"There's no such thing as bad weather, just soft people."
-Bill Bowerman

"Spend at least some of your training time, and other parts of your day, concentrating on what you are doing in training and visualizing your success."
-Grete Waitz

"What distinguishes those of us at the starting line from those of us on the couch is that we learn through running to take what the days gives us, what our body will allow us, and what our will can tolerate."
-John Bingham, running writer and speaker

"Running long and hard is an ideal antidepressant, since it's hard to run and feel sorry for yourself at the same time. Also, there are those hours of clearheadedness that follow a long run."
-Monte Davis

"Man imposes his own limitations, don't set any"
-Anthony Bailey

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
-- Confucius

Do a little more each day than you think you possibly can.
-Lowell Thomas

"The will to win is worthless, without the will to prepare."

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.
Just because your muscles start to protest doesn't mean you have to listen.
Champions are made when no one is watching.

There will be days when I don't know if I can run a marathon. There will be a lifetime knowing that I have.

I do today what you won't so I can do tomorrow what you can't.
You can rest when you're dead.

but i took your matches before fire could catch me.

it takes alot to put yourself out there in any way, and thats the beautiful part about life. when you do, you can get crushed or biult up. you can experience pain, humiliation, or regret. or you could expiereience love, confidence, and support because of it. part of me wonders what conditions decide what your courage to put yourself out there is going to result in. does it depend on the people you have surrounded yourself with in life? I have been thinking a probably pointless amount of time about people coming and going in our lives. Things that happen just make no sense sometimes. My friend from college who is amazing died in his sleep last night. and no one knows why. things are so random and life is so random. whos to say that you wont die tonight? i dont know...i didnt mean this post to be depressing but it is kind of discouraging to put yourself out there wen you see people you know getting beat down when they do so. thats why i have mad respect for people who can. i would never say i am a person who cares alot about what people think of me, but i see now i dont have as much courage as i would like to. so i guess thats something to work on. my thoughts are spinning about who to trust in life, and what relationships even mean. its like no person is worth more than another person..which is true in the census, its true in statistics but everyone means something different to every person and it blows my mind that people let people so close to them that their entire world revolves around that one person. not to say i havent been there, but seeing horrible endings time after time i have to say is discouraging. like everyone is happy at first but then your world starts to crumble. takes a different amount of time for different people but it always happens. then you hate this person that every other person still sees in the same light while you will never be able to look at them the same, and all you want to do it feel like that person is just another person because it would be so much easier. and we all have these people, yet we feel so alone in these situations. and it makes me feel more stupid for letting it get to me because its just some stupid thing i have biult up in my mind that i should have control over. but obviously i dont lol..wow random post. but like i said, life is random.