Feels like I'm leaving eden...

....i know the weight of this world can take you down like gravity, and i know the current of yourself can take you out, out to sea, but hold on...

I’m the one with big mistakes, big regrets and bigger breaks
Than I ever care to confess
Oh but You’re the one who looks at me and sees what I was meant to be
More than just a beautiful mess
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can’t believe is happening
You’re standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can’t help but breathe you in
Breathe again, Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
You’re everything good in my life
Everything honest and true
And all of those stars hanging up in the sky
Could never shine brighter than You
There's a girl in the corner with tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered and the shame she can't hide
She says, "How did I get here? I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear that I've fallen too far to love"
But don't you know who you are, What's been done for you?
You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.
'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face, just don't turn away
And I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
And please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west?
'Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been rising up in me again
You know the effort i have given and you know exactly what it cost
And though my innocence was taken not everything is lost,
not everything is lost, no
Your love, Your love the only thing that matters is Your love
Give me Your eyes for just one second
Give me Your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me Your love for humanity
Give me Your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me Your heart for the one's forgotten
Well the thing I find most amazing in amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
We were made to be courageous and we're taking back the fight
We were made to be courageous and it starts with us tonight
The only way we'll ever stand is on our knees with lifted hands
Make us courageous
Who am I, that the eyes that see our sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again?
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain and calm the storm in me?
I love you more than the words in my brain can express
I can't imagine even loving you less Lord, I love the way you hold me

out of these ashes,

feeling extremely emotional because we were involved in a bus accident on the way home from our game in virginia on tuesday night. i am feeling high and low and so many things are going through my head that i cannot make sense of everything and i cannot sleep. I still believe that everything happens for a reason and i think there may be a few reasons for this although i haven't figured them out. its a miracle that none of the 37 people involved were seriously injured. its a miracle more trees did not come through the bus. its a miracle that we did not flip. i cannot sleep imagining the sheer and utter tragedy and deaths we could have faced if one tiny thing was different. it is haunting me.

It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed till my voice was gone
And watched through the tears
As everything came crashing down
Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
And sift through the ashes that are left behind
But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams
We have this hope
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
We will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning beauty will rise
So take another breath for now
Let the tears come washing down
If you can't believe, I will believe for you
Cuz I have seen the signs of spring
I can hear it in the distance
And its not too far away
Its the music and the laughter
of a wedding and a feast
I can almost feel the hand of God
Reaching for my face
To wipe the tears away
Say its time to make everything new
Make it all new
This is our hope
This is a promise
It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that's been made
Out of the ashes, out of the ashes

adaptability is being able to adjust to any given situation at any given time

This has been a major theme in my life lately, because I feel like I am constantly changing int he course of a day from Science teacher to technology teacher to green school coordinator to friend to counselor to soccer coach to bball coach to track coach to young life leader to peer to daughter to sister and so on. Everyone has multiple roles they play, but I am working every single day on becoming adaptable to whatever I am doing, just focusing on the task at hand, and being the best I can be at that given moment. This had led me to where I am at right now....extremely satisfied, amazed, and excited at the person I am being guided into becoming and the situations I am so lucky and fortunate enough to be in....I am so exhausted but cannot sleep because of all these thoughts running through my mind. This week has been insanely crazy, and tomorrow is Friday and therefore I cannot wait to relax a little bit. Bball season started on Tuesday and we made first cuts tonight, that was really hard. We had the soccer banquet tonight also which was so awesome. I won a gift set from the Fellowship for Christian Athletes from a raffle drawing that Mr. Heibel pulled. It really was perfect, he introduced me as a former students and player of his, and I got an amazing set of books and gifts, including a new testament sports version Bible, which is so badass and I am so excited to carry it everwhere. Ash got me a nice card and the girls all wrote really touching things to me in my card. It was alot of work, but some moments, everything seems worth it. This may sound cheesy, but the banquet tonight was a sign to me that I am where I am supposed to be. I already feel so comfortable with the bball girls and because I LOVE bball, i really think I will be able to help the bball girls a million times more than soccer. So I can only imagine how awesome this season is going to be. I have also taken it as a sign that we are going to Colorado for YL camp this summer because that is somewhere everyone knows I have wanted to go and considered moving. God is telling me that I am doing what I he wants me to be doing right now, with being a teacher, coach, and YL leader. Every time i take a second and think about my life, I am so grateful that I can keep up with everything. I cannot wait to see the relationships I am able to develop the rest of this year with the kids and pray that God will help me find the correct words. On the friends/relationship front, I am doing SOO much better than I was two months ago. I have amazing support (both old and new) and a very promising future ahead. I just wanted to get out in my blog how excited I am right now and how amazing my life can be at times. Like I said, its hard for me to sleep right now because I am so excited about a thousand different things. I am going to attempt to sleep now. ahh

"We tend to forget that all good things take time." -John Wooden

Maybe its all as it should be....

The more you stop to think about life, the more confused you become. Life is so beautiful yet so dark and painful. It is happiness, it is sadness, it is desires and hopes and failures and brokenness. There are a million ways to look at one thing and that is why I like this quote.

no human being can ever really understand another, and no one can arrange anothers happiness.

I think that people can satisfy others emotional needs and other types of needs for a time being, but for their entire life? No..that comes from the individual. Only you can provide what you need to be happy. Yea, it is easier to feel happy when you have people to love and support you, but when your alone at night and with your thoughts, whether or not you are left feeling satisfied is all up to you. Its amazing to think about life. I am amazed every day by something new. Today it is how many different people are trying to navigate the same norms and routines of this world but they all have different values and secrets and things that make them who they are. So i sit here and think what is it about me and about my life that means something? Where do I want to go? I still dont know, but then i think about this quote:


if you dont know where your going, you might end up somewhere else

and i def dont know where I am going yet. There have been some experiences in the last few months that have taught me alot about what I am capable of doing and that have challenged my morals immensely. I embraced some moments and I do not regret it, even though since those blissful moments, I have been suffering. I know I am learning and growing. And now that I am 23, a year older, I feel the same, i must say. I am grateful for every day but disappointed with how I deal with some of those days. Day at a time and I can try to get better. This leads me to my last quote, which to me expresses the balance between having chaos and order in your life every single day and never giving up.

chaos often breeds life, while order breeds habit.

Let go of all of these mixed emotions....

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power."

"Forgiving is not something you do for someone else. It is something you do for yourself. An unforgiven injury binds you to a time and place someone else has chosen; it holds you trapped in a past moment and in old feelings."

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
~Eleanor Roosevelt~

"Look at each day as a chance to invest life into life. A chance to share your experience and deposit it into someone else's conscience. Each day is a chance to work miracles in the lives of others."

What is defeat? Nothing but education; nothing but the first steps to something better.
-Proverb

When something happens to you, you either let it defeat you, or you defeat it."
- Rosilind Russell

Those who wish to sing, always find a song.
-Swedish Proverb

You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.
-Walt Disney

Tonight I'm staring at the moonlight...

Tonight I'm wondering how this could've felt so right....

it's a beautiful sky on a beautiful day
but only you can stretch a smile across my face
So I'm waiting, waiting, waiting
for you to be calling, calling, calling

Oh I've been going through a hell of a time
Making sense of all that you left behind
When I arrange it into columns and lines
I always think it's adding up, but it never does
So in the morning maybe I'll be alright
And through the day I'll prepare for the fight
With a fever on a Saturday night
Cause this is giving me the shakes and butterflies, oh

And I think I've had it,
But that makes two of us,
'Cause you've had it with me.

And if you don't stop running you can never breathe
When everything you want is everything you see

And I'll tell you the worst part:
You're exactly the way that I thought you would be

All this time I've been trying to find a way
To close this chapter but nothing ever stays away
It all keeps building, the things that I would say to you

But I've heard them walking late at night
The twins of confusion and regret
And they share ths stories of things that I have done
That I'd rather just forget.

And I have no way of knowing where I'll land

I guess the real question is, I don't know,
Is, why I am afraid of letting go?

I still remember everything,
Every mistake and every apology

Don't blink, don't close your eyes,
But most of all don't apologize.
It's me who's got the demons to wrestle now....

Since I ain't got nothing I got nothing to lose...

Havent written since the end of july and lots has happened since then. I am going to give you the 5 sentence summary. I am coaching JV soccer at Great mills. School has started again and I am trying to improve upon last year. I am becoming a young life leader at great mills this fall and we are hopefully starting in the spring. I am debating on whether or not i am going to do my tri on oct 9 for the pure reason i havent had as much time as i would like to train. I have been having some good times around the hood of st marys.

Its my bday tomorrow (golden bday) and tonight has got me thinking about alot. I am going to do my yearly birthday reflection after this (ok ok i know im a nerd, but no one knows it so that is ok) But the main point is just like this song says, sometimes i feel like me having nothing tying me down is a blessing but sometimes i wish i did have something tying me down to give me more of a purpose. Prob not explaining it too well but its so scary to still know my life is in my hands. I am about to be 23.

anyway coaching soccer has taught me alot since august 13. we are three games in and we have won 2 and tied 1. I am excited fo the rest of the season but coaching presents lots of new challenges everyday. Not only do i have to lesson plan and practice plan now, but I need to make sure that what we are doing is productive. It really is the same as being in the classroom but i have so much of myself invested in them that it feels different. i have alot more responsibility but i think i am learning fast.

my students this year are different than last year for sure, in both good and bad ways. i feel like i am taking what happened last year and tweaking it, but i still feel like i need to move slower to make sure they are understanding, which is impossible to do when you have x amount of stuff you need to get through in X amount of time. It is awesome having Abby as a roommate because we can talk about the kids at night when were just chilling. She is going for her national board certification this year, so she has a lot to do and having her to talk to is already helping me become aware of some issues our kids have as well as their stregths and weaknesses across subjects. we had one field trip last week (teambuilding) and were going to sotterly next week. interims are due next week and i havent even tested yet, because of the hurricane...which was the other big thing that has happened around here. soooo much damage that our schools were closed for three days! insane insane insane

i am going to attempt to sleep to rest up for this weekend an everything else going on. Goodnight!


I don't have to worry about things that I don't have
Cause if I ain't got nothing
I got nothing to hold me back

Long Hot summer

I think I am obsessed with Slacker Radio New Country Station. I probably listened to it for over 3 hours today, including at this moment. So the last time I wrote I was on a rant about my memorial day car break in. And you know what? The cycle came back around because a really awesome thing happened to me the next weekend, so what does prove? Nothing maybe, but I think its just another example of how I should trust in something bigger than myself. My car getting vandalized was terrible but I learned that I am not in control. I learned how to deal with that kind of thing, which overall just helps in my maturity. Since then, school ended and I went to San Diego for 2 weeks with my mom and sister since my mom had a work conference there then to Ocean City with Lauren for 4th of July. It was cool to finally get to go to California and it was beyond beautiful there. I would live there in a second.

Then I was home for about a week and went to Texas to say bye to Ned, who is deploying to Iraq next week for 9-12 months. Texas was strange but I am happy I got to see that area of the country. There is no grass or trees and it is just flat for miles. SOme parts are pretty but some parts are not. There are run down buildings everywhere...its just weird. And of course lots of Mexicans in El paso where Ned is stationed. It was fun though because I got to talk to a lot of people in the Army and got a different perspective on life (wayyyy different then here) and I made some friends (one even wants me to write to him in Iraq).

So now I am back in St. Mary's and leaving tomorrow for our yearly Rhode Island trip. So I am all over the place and there are some major things happening in my life. Yet at the same time, i feel like I have never been at such a slow place. Its a weird feeling, kind of paradoxical. I feel like right now might be a good time to write some poetry about everything that is happening. But maybe not. Sometimes I think what is the point of writing down all this stuff that is subject to change tomorrow? Like I can tell you how I feel right now but tomorrow I will feel differently thats for sure. So all I can try to do is remember one little thing is not the end of the world, and life will keep on building on top of all the crap thats already there. I just think the future is going to be very complicated, but overall exciting. So I will try to write again soon but after RI, I will be home for the rest of the summer. August 13th is the day my summer is over so I will have 3 weeks from when I get back free. oook goodnight

One chance of meeting, you were walking by me on the street and I said hi
And that was the beginning of my heart spinnin’ like these wheels in my head tonight

gotta keep my faith alive til love is found

the world can be a very unfair place i have decided. and its also a very complicated place. when you become an adult, nothing is simple or easy. there only gets more and more added to the chaos. I am at an interesting place in my life right now. I am moving out of my home with my mom and into a basement apartment 20 minutes away. I came to this decision for alot of reasons, and people have different opinions about it. Honestly, I know i am making the right one for me so I am excited. I started moving alot of my stuff in today and can officially spend the night there in two nights (in my king size bed!)

So the reason why the world is unfair is because my brand new RAV4 who i dearly love was broken into and vandalized in the parking lot of great mills. this is unfair on many levels. it is unfair because i was on an overnight field trip with the track team of great mills at our state competition in baltimore. it is unfair because there were other cars in the parking lot that did not get touched. it is unfair because i did nothing to deserve it. it is unfair because i devote so much time and energy to my kids , and knowing that one of them did this to my car (not technically my kids but a student that is classmates with them) breaks my heart and makes me so angry that i don't know how to handle myself. I spend all day every day with these kids and i love them to death. But why? and why me? I know asking these questions will not help, but i am angry and think i deserve to be. it is such a sad thing, so not productive to anyones life. now this week, the week that already would have been complicated with moving and such, is made a million times harder because i don't have a car and have to deal with insurance and a rental and x,y,z.

I fell overwhelmed by life now that i am handling my own stuff. it is alot more complicated than most people let on, and i know i just have to learn how to balance and organize. that is part of getting out of my moms house. I need to come up with my own ways to keep track of my stuff and work my life out. I am so excited for school to be over and summer to be here because i wil have time to sort through life. I feel like im in a major rush all the day and i need to figure out summer plans, but i guess i will be okay just hanging out. sometimes i wish i could travel more but that requires money and im fine with being patient for right now. i dont want to sarifice all that i have right now because i like it and im learning alot. i really hope that with the move done and my car fixed, i can focus on finishing up this year with the kids, planning my summer, and becoming a better teacher and coach next yr. one step at a time,i have rarely felt that staying positive is hard to do, but with such a downer with my car right now, it is a little diffucult. lets just keep trucking and hope for the best this summer. needless to say, my memorial day was not all it was cracked up to be. (except for seeing christine and jamie of course)

thats the reason why sometimes im feeling under
thats the reason why sometimes im feeling down...

where is the love?

We cannot end anywhere but at the beginning once again.

"you know, i do believe in magic. I was born and raised in a magic time, in a magic town, among magicians. Most everybody else didn't realize we lived in that web of magic, connected by the silver filaments of chance and circumstance, but i knew it all along. See this is my opinion: we all start out knowing magic. We are born able to sing to birds and read clouds and see our destiny in grains of sand. But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get put on the straight and narrow, and told to be responsible. Told to act our age, and you know why we were told that? Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness in youth and because the magic we knew made them sad that they allowed it to wither within themselves. After you go so far away from it, you cant really get it back. So you can have seconds of it, seconds of just knowing and remembering. When people get weepy at movies its because in that dark theater, the golden pool of magic is touched just briefly. Then they come out into the hard sun of logic and reason again and it dries up, and they're left feeling sad, and not knowing why. When a song stirs a memory, when spots of dust turning in a shaft of light takes your attention aWay from the world, when you listening to a train passing on a track at night in the distance and you wonder where it might be going, you step beyond who you are and where you are. For the briefest of instants, you have stepped into the magic realm. Thats what i believe.

END OF ONE TREE HILL QUOTE! I CRIED OBVIOUSLY. actually cried during glee tonight too. What is wrong with me.

just because everything is different doesnt mean anything has changed.

change is a coming, and im so exicted for the future!

Eliminate impossible to find truth

ok i need to vent about alot of things...i went to cp this weekend

better by far to forget and smile, then to remember and be sad.

is this quote true? this weekend i saw a million people who used to be important to my college life. this included sorority sisters, people i worked with, people from my bball team, lots of guys i used to talk to and date and whatever. i was back in the college lifestyle, drinking and hanging out and wasting the weekend away. Anyway the point is I hung out with a ton of people who i had a lot of history with, but i have been gone for about 10 months now. It opened my eyes in some weird ways and I am scared that i will not be able to explain this like i want to. college seems so far away from me, an although it was good to see people, i would say overall i realized i am over the college park scene. what a weird weird thing that i thought i would never say. i saw how crazy and senseless some of the things we used to do were, and although i was wrapped up in it then, i feel like i see things in a much clearer perspective now. i was constantly thinking abut my kids and it was just strange. i really cant explain in like i said but yea...thought provoking weekend.

in other news, i dont know if im doing the right thing regarding alot of decisions in my life. what to do, what to do.

"Happiness is a choice that requires effort sometimes."

Marathoning, the triumph of desire over reason

my fave marathon quotes... :) finished my first yesterday in 4:28 :)
There will be a day when you can no longer do this. Today is not that day.

Completing a marathon is a feeling that you can’t buy. You have to earn it. The experience is what you make of it. The camaraderie is awesomeDan Morihiko

"I think you need to enjoy life. God gives you one chance to do it. We might as well take it as far as we can, and running a marathon is doing just that." Josh Vance

"The obsession with running is really an obsession with the potential for more and more life." - George Sheehan

You're running on guts. On fumes. Your muscles twitch. You throw up. You're delirious. But you keep running because there's no way out of this hell you're in, because there's no way you're not crossing the finish line. It's a misery that non-runners don't understand.
- Martine Costello

"You have to forget your last marathon before you try another. Your mind can't know what's coming." -- Frank Shorter

"To describe the agony of a marathon to someone who's never run it is like trying to explain color to someone who was born blind."
Jerome Drayton

"Marathoning is like cutting yourself unexpectedly. You dip into the pain so gradually that the damage is done before you are aware of it. Unfortunately, when awareness comes, it is excruciating."
John Farrington, Australian marathoner

The marathon is not really about the marathon, it's about the shared struggle. And it's not only the marathon, but the training.
- Bill Buffum

"Everything you ever wanted to know about yourself you can learn in 26.2 miles."
Lori Culnane

"The pride in finishing a marathon is much greater than all the pain endured during the marathon."
Hal Higdon

“The marathon. How an average runner becomes more than average.”
One of New Balance’s Top 10 Reasons to Run a Marathon

"Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve. It doesn't matter whether you're a lion or gazelle - when the sun comes up, you'd better be running."
- Unknown

MARATHON DAY THIS WEEKEND

This is the big weekend, I just packed up everything and am headed to VA beach tomorrow, I wil let you kno how it goes when I return AH so nervous, I have been dreaming about this all week. SLow and steady, steady and slow. :) AHHH HERE WE GO, LETS GET IT

let the rain wash away all the pain from yesterday

its been raining all day and ive been exhausted, i think i need to up my coffee intake to over 1 cup perday. also i shovel down food like its my job now. my marathon is 9 days away and i am super nervous. i had my observation today, i am coaching track, and all around this week has been crazy. so its 9pm, im gonna write my reflection and go to sleep. i really dont feel like writing much, i just wanted to check in...so goodnight

"There are always going to be naysayers. Just go out and prove them wrong."

long distance call

long time no see, long time no say
Got little to tell, I don't say much but I might
Something always told me us two would be serious I am looking around town, thinking the same as you

certain words in uncertain times

There is alot going on in my head right now, and thank goodness I do not have to explain it to everyone in my life. This year has been a rollercoaster, and I am trying to arrive at a decision about where my life will be next year. I feel like since I have been out of school for almost a year, I have forgotten how to take classes, or lost the skill somehow. I feel like I have been lounging and taking it easy yet at the same time stressed beyond belief with the new pressures of having a full time career. I was reading an article today about pre-adults and how people in their 20's are taking longer to settle down (esp. boys) because there is no need to. It really went into the reasons why and how society arrived at this change. I def do not see myself getting married much before age 30, which is about where the median marriage age is now a days. NOt that I am planning the future or anything; I just thought it was interesting because I have the exact mentality that the article was trying to explain. So anyway, I feel a little lost in the world, but I think its just that the reality has really REALLY hit me that I can go where I want, be who I want, and do what I want. I do not feel especially attached to my job or my friends or anything in my life, and this has always been my personality. I want to explore but I am not sure where. So uncertain times yes. I feel like I am stuck for the next couple months but at the same time, I need to start planning. The only thing I know for certain is that I can accomplish whatever I (finally) decide is going to be my goal.

this cold air brings in such a distance to us...

im thinking of your vague reply so i can understand
why we put this at rest
why we forgot to
say that we leaving
say that we were sorry
the past remains unspoken as this vacant night is dying

love makes the world go round? today we celebrate a certain kind of live, which exists for some but not for others. instead of dwelling on the suckiness of being adorned with flowers and chocolate from the love of my life today, i decided to think about different kinds of love. i think that having love comes in a cycle and sometimes i am frustrated by my situation but when i stop to think about it, how could i ever want or expect someone to love me right now when my life is in such a weird in-between place? i wouldnt do well in a relationship right now because it would hinder my ability to see rationally into my future life and what i want. so i am grateful for this although i kinda also want it. everyone can want a hundred different things at once. i have a problem right now with not sleeping, inconsistency, motivation, and indecisiveness. i cant wait for warmer weather. anyway, valentines day has made me reflect on past relationships a little but not too much. i spent too much time reflecting on ashley parker angel and how he is still the hottest man ive ever met on this planet and i thought i would be over him and havent looked at pictures but i stalked his twitter and i really dont think anyone ever even zac, is hotter than him. the end. also i still love daphne loves derby so much, and that band was very essential to a past relationship...one that started on this day 7 years ago. wow holy crap. wierd how time flies.

dont you think its obvious that i want to say more.....

your a lover, im a runner, and we go round and round...

I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I know those dreams you're tryin to chase
You want 'em now but they won't wait
Last thing you're thinkin about
Is slowin it down
And the ones you left behind
But I'm always thinkin of you
Cause when somebody loves you
That's what they do
All of the time
So keep in mind

She'd trade Colorado if he'd take her with him
Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in,
And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay,
She's answered by the tail lights
Shining through the window pane
He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
She said you're a ramblin' man
And you ain't ever gonna change
You gotta gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin

the art of motivation

i have been alone for about a week and a half now. and its been weird going from having evan my mom my sister, heather and colby around to now only having myself basically. i suffered a motivational lapse in my marathon training and had a really bad day with my students where i ended up in tears. i also got in a fight, couldnt sleep well, and couldnt stop thinking about how things that would make me happier. while its not always possible to be motivated or postitive, i knew that something was wrong with me because im never that negative! my motivation was at a zero..i was giving up really easily and monday tuesday and today of this week have kind of put me back on track.i have lots going on at work and im stressed and its winter and im tried of running but i tihnk what it really comes down to is the fact that im alone. i realized as much as sometimes i get annoyed by people asking questions about my life, without that, life sucks because when no one talks to you, you feel like no one cares. its a weird feeling, but anyway im back on track thanks to the beautiful weather today which allowed me to run 10 miles outside :)

on another note, duke is playing maryland right now and im nervous, so im gonna go watch it. :)

its a simple life but thats ok...

its so weird how your life is as simple or as complicated as you want it to be...think about it..im home alone for three weeks while my mom is out in cali taking a class...i could sit around and do nothing but i am choosing not to..but no one would even care if i sat here sitting on the couch for nine hours after work ends at 3...no one would even know if i didnt want them to. this leads me to the main topic of this post: motivation.

WHERE THE HELL DOES THIS COME FROM?
And how do you motivate people who are unmotivated.

ok dont with that topic...so this guy was on dr oz today and his name is tim ferris...not sure about the spelling but he may be one fo the most motivated people in the world...he has written two books on how to live your life better and alot of the things he says he has tested out on himself. he is basically an insane person. but i spent alot of time tonight on his blog researching this 32 year old. his book is called the 4 hour body and it has dieting tips but also tips for like anything so this whole night ive been into that

also i watched a documentary tonight that i got at the library called the brain fitness program that talked about training the brain to keep it young by continuing to learn and exercising the mind..it made me feel bad for not taking any masters classes this year but i think a year off wont be too bad or my brain. it was more about how as kids and teens we learn alot in a short time and when we reach adulthood we become users and only use the skills we have learned. it encouraged people to go outside their comfort zone and always try to learn new things.. so that was also some interesting stuff

also i bought whey protein at the store because i dont get protein in the morning and ive decided that it the best way to jumpstart my metabolism and i should be eating breakfast. hmm

one last thing...i am going to take the 21 day positivity challenge by wearing a bracelet. the point is to not say anything negative or complain and having the bracelet is supposed to remind you. its a good challenge to make yourself think before you speak. i dont think that its going to be easy, even for me who is relatively positive normally. it will be a interesting experiment though. you are supposed to switch wrists and start from zero if you say something negative. so yea that was a random rant. goodnighttt

the whole world is moving, and im standing still.

i stole the title tonight from someones fb status but its all good.im about to go to bed on this freezing friday but i have alot of crap going on to vent about first...first of all, i am superrr tired from working out and training and i honesltly have not been this hungry in my whole life. i tried to tell myself it was all mental but i am literally stomach growling hungry all of the time. i havent been weighing myself but stepping on a scale the other day, i ACTUALLY GAINED WEIGHT. wtf...who gains weight while training for a marathon? yup i would..haha but i really could care less about numbers right now..i have two months til race day so ill deal with my weight after that...right now its all about getting myself mentally and physically able to complete the mission. so thats that.

work is getting better overall i would say. i am getting the hang of this work life finally...took me long enough. i dont stay late and i dont stress out more than nessacary. that being said, i still could do alot of things better but i feel at a pretty satisfying place right now.

kris went back to school, evan left me, and my mom is going to cali on sunday for three weeks, which basically means ill be all alone here in the house. im not upset about it though because i want to have some time to figure out what i want to do next year and where i want my life to go, and with people here to distract me, i will choose to never think about my future because its overwhelming. but i have to, so go away people.

i dont even wanna think about what im gonna do when colby goes back next week and when heather leaves me to move in with jamie. i guess that is where the title of this blog comes in..i feel like my friends are either still in school and have lots going on or dont know what they are doing and free balling their life away, and i am jealous. i know i know..im lucky to have a job and a job that i can laugh at and everything and be stable and save money. i am grateful but i want more, and i know that is not gonna change in the next couple years if i stay here...hence my thoughts on life.

i also really want a boyfriend i decided. that is a conscious decision and im always the kind of person who is not really looking but just living and whatever happens happens. maybe i should start looking, try something new? you know...actually be the one to pursue it for once..just a thought. although after recent events, i have come to believe that all guys are only worried about things that dont matter. haha

im gonna go attempt to write some poetry perhaps...

and i dont want the world to see me...cuz i dont think that theyd understand...

Things are gonna change, and not for better..dont know what it means to me...

2011. How do I feel about this year? Good so far...I keep thinking that this is going to be the year of change..if I decide to go through with these plans swirling in my head. But so far, everything is the same. Evan is living with me for a few weeks which is awesome..It makes me miss my apartment in CP. and of course, Kris is home so thats good. I am marathon training still and trying not to tire my body out too too much. My kids are the same, I could talk about them for hours. So frustrating sometimes yet I love them other times. They are unlike any students I can imagine and I know they will always be special to me because its my first year. I love the choaticness of my days..except when i am lazy and feel like doing nothing. Well just wanted to check in and say 2011 is so far so good. I am grateful for the boringness of my life sometimes. I have been thinking alot about the rough times alot of my friends are going through and thankful that I am not too stressed so I can be there for them. But yea...marathon training has been taking up more and more of my time...ahh and I am Relay for life captain and also organizing a new field trip for my kids to the environmental education center on base :) also, i got a pet kingsnake. she is a girl and a little under a year old. her name is layla...the kids helped me name here, and she is awesome :)man I am one lucky girl.


Everything, is everything
The more I talk about it, the less I do control.
Everything, means everything
Can't understand a word, half of the stuff I'm sayin....