certain words in uncertain times

There is alot going on in my head right now, and thank goodness I do not have to explain it to everyone in my life. This year has been a rollercoaster, and I am trying to arrive at a decision about where my life will be next year. I feel like since I have been out of school for almost a year, I have forgotten how to take classes, or lost the skill somehow. I feel like I have been lounging and taking it easy yet at the same time stressed beyond belief with the new pressures of having a full time career. I was reading an article today about pre-adults and how people in their 20's are taking longer to settle down (esp. boys) because there is no need to. It really went into the reasons why and how society arrived at this change. I def do not see myself getting married much before age 30, which is about where the median marriage age is now a days. NOt that I am planning the future or anything; I just thought it was interesting because I have the exact mentality that the article was trying to explain. So anyway, I feel a little lost in the world, but I think its just that the reality has really REALLY hit me that I can go where I want, be who I want, and do what I want. I do not feel especially attached to my job or my friends or anything in my life, and this has always been my personality. I want to explore but I am not sure where. So uncertain times yes. I feel like I am stuck for the next couple months but at the same time, I need to start planning. The only thing I know for certain is that I can accomplish whatever I (finally) decide is going to be my goal.

this cold air brings in such a distance to us...

im thinking of your vague reply so i can understand
why we put this at rest
why we forgot to
say that we leaving
say that we were sorry
the past remains unspoken as this vacant night is dying

love makes the world go round? today we celebrate a certain kind of live, which exists for some but not for others. instead of dwelling on the suckiness of being adorned with flowers and chocolate from the love of my life today, i decided to think about different kinds of love. i think that having love comes in a cycle and sometimes i am frustrated by my situation but when i stop to think about it, how could i ever want or expect someone to love me right now when my life is in such a weird in-between place? i wouldnt do well in a relationship right now because it would hinder my ability to see rationally into my future life and what i want. so i am grateful for this although i kinda also want it. everyone can want a hundred different things at once. i have a problem right now with not sleeping, inconsistency, motivation, and indecisiveness. i cant wait for warmer weather. anyway, valentines day has made me reflect on past relationships a little but not too much. i spent too much time reflecting on ashley parker angel and how he is still the hottest man ive ever met on this planet and i thought i would be over him and havent looked at pictures but i stalked his twitter and i really dont think anyone ever even zac, is hotter than him. the end. also i still love daphne loves derby so much, and that band was very essential to a past relationship...one that started on this day 7 years ago. wow holy crap. wierd how time flies.

dont you think its obvious that i want to say more.....

your a lover, im a runner, and we go round and round...

I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I know those dreams you're tryin to chase
You want 'em now but they won't wait
Last thing you're thinkin about
Is slowin it down
And the ones you left behind
But I'm always thinkin of you
Cause when somebody loves you
That's what they do
All of the time
So keep in mind

She'd trade Colorado if he'd take her with him
Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in,
And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay,
She's answered by the tail lights
Shining through the window pane
He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
She said you're a ramblin' man
And you ain't ever gonna change
You gotta gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin

the art of motivation

i have been alone for about a week and a half now. and its been weird going from having evan my mom my sister, heather and colby around to now only having myself basically. i suffered a motivational lapse in my marathon training and had a really bad day with my students where i ended up in tears. i also got in a fight, couldnt sleep well, and couldnt stop thinking about how things that would make me happier. while its not always possible to be motivated or postitive, i knew that something was wrong with me because im never that negative! my motivation was at a zero..i was giving up really easily and monday tuesday and today of this week have kind of put me back on track.i have lots going on at work and im stressed and its winter and im tried of running but i tihnk what it really comes down to is the fact that im alone. i realized as much as sometimes i get annoyed by people asking questions about my life, without that, life sucks because when no one talks to you, you feel like no one cares. its a weird feeling, but anyway im back on track thanks to the beautiful weather today which allowed me to run 10 miles outside :)

on another note, duke is playing maryland right now and im nervous, so im gonna go watch it. :)