change is the only constant....

just wrote my year in review for 2010...and i realized so much amazing stuff has happened to me this year. and the fact that i am so ready to say goodbye to this year has me feeling good. That means that I am going to make some changes in 2011. I was a little scared but I am not anymore...i think I may surprise a few people, but that is the beauty of life. Bring it on 2011.

maybe its me and my blind optimism to blame...

isnt it kinda stupid that you can be happy or sad based on one tiny event or one tiny person? for me lately, every day has been extremely up and extremely down. i want a day where i have some consistent ups...please? its almost christmas and christmas is different for me this year...im on top of my presents and didnt have finals to worry about. aka i actually felt in the christmas spirit the last few weeks. but sometimes especially with my kids i feel underappreciated. i wouldnt say this is too surprising, i just honestly wish they could see how much effort i put into them...the fact that they dont makes me care less, and that is a bad attitude to start 2011 off with, i know that. in other news, little by little, i am gaining a new obsession. well its not totally new but its def getting worse. not at obsession stage before but is now. i was doing soooo good at not obsessing but little by little,this one crept up on me. its only natural but i feel like the rules of everything have changed and the fact that im so confused by them makes me think either i dont know myself or i dont have confidence in myself, both of which sound equally bad to me. i never thought of myself as either but i am unsure of what to do in this situation which ive tried to forget. gr now im rambling, its turning into a stream of consciousness which is ok but means that this prob doesnt make sense to anyone but myself. im gonna continue the creative juice flow in the form of a poem in my poem diary not on here... which may be a tad bit easier to follow than my rant about something specific that im trying not to say anything too specific about (for no reason except my chicken self is still trying to figure it out). ANYWAY...


...you are an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry....




Please take down the misletoe
Cause I don't wanna think about that right now
Cause everything I want is miles away
In a snow covered little town
My momma's in the kitchen, worrying about me
Season's greetings, hope you're well
Well I'm doing alright
If you were wondering
Lately I can never tell
I know this shouldn't be a lonely time
But there were Christmases when I didn't wonder how you are tonight
Cause there were Christmases when you were mine

tell me baby, do you recognize me?

so tomorrow is monday and only 3 days til we leave for new hampshire to go skiing for christmas! :) we opened a few presents tonight which felt weird since christmas isnt til saturday but we didn't wanna bring everything on the trip so it was nessacary...im really tired but this weekend was a four day weekend because we had two snow days on thursday and friday so it sucks we have to go back for three little days here haha. also christine visited this weekend and i showed her around the county which was awesome i love her, and my sis came home today. so this is the home stretch before the holidays, i got everything done so im ready for it :) shout out to jamie for graduating, love youuu. thats the update

....well its been a year, it doesn't surprise me

last christmas i gave you my heart
but the very next day you gave it away

say you gotta leave, but i know you wanna stay...

Monday is done, and the week only goes up from here. I had my kids decorate my classroom today after i found some sweet multicolored lights in my science closet. also, i think im writing all my kids personalized christmas cards :) this entry is pointless except i just wanted to point out that i am losing my athletic ability as expected because of lack of using it. hm also i think im addicted to the gym now for a totally different reason than working out....the men there. I like to fantasize about them and obsess and its not really healthy but hey whatever gets me through my run is okay with me. its okay up the point where you see one of them out and drunkenly tell them they are the hottest dad ever. turns out he's not a dad so you try to hook up with him and he rejects you. makes its super awk when you are on ellipticals facing each other for long periods of time. love my life. whatever,he is still the hottest thing to dream about touching in st marys. wow omg i cant believe i just wrote that.

there james, a non thought provoking blog just for you. loveee

its a fight between my heart and mind....

wow i just typed a whole entry then accidentally highlighted it all and pressed erase. why is there no freaking undo key blogspot??!?! gr. i was ranting about technology and the possibility of me changing my blog into something that people would be interested in reading instead of a dairy, but abandoned that after realizing i am not creative enough to blog about things people care about. exhibit a is my twitter. and i like having my dairy online so whatever.

im extremely pissed that i erased everything. hmm what else did i want to say? oh school sucked this week because of one particular student. lauren couldnt come down this weekend so that sucked too. :( overall this weekend was full of running 14 miles for my training, chatting about life, hitting up the solomons christmas lighting thing and browsing the shops, cutting open a deer, holding a snake,learning alot about life on base, winning a wine tasting at jesses while all the old people looked at me like wtf. and i graced one of st marys finest bars with my presence con my mom, oh yea we totally decorated for christmas and i started thinking about what to get people.i really need some ideas for my sis though...hmm also found some cool apps on my phone which i cant stop being addicted to.

anyway, i have alot of thought swirling around in my head lately about life, but i am too scared to reveal them, even to you blog. maybe next time?? sleep is calling

....no one really wins this time.

Life doesn't always give you the people you want....

When I look around, nothing is how i expected it would be.
eight years ago, my dad was still here and i had no idea what the terrors of cancer and death really meant.
seven years ago, I struggled to find meaning in life.
six years ago, i was knocked out by a first love to the fullest power, naively thinking it would never go away.
five years ago, i was wrapped up in end of high school festivities, thinking my world would never be any less joyous than it was today.
four years ago, i was engulfed by the many opportunities of a college lifestyle...
three years ago, i was paying for my carelessness and battling one of the most crippling experiences of my life.
two years ago, i learned how to trust again, and began to see the big picture of life outside of my own.
one year ago, i was blinded by the reality that my kid time was coming to a close.
today, i am overwhelmed by the day to day life i live and still confused as to what my purpose is.
nothing stays the same...
weve all got a long way to go.
but we are more than what meets the eye, and every year is a step in the direction we were meant to go.
letting yourself feel sad when you are sad must be done, no one cares about this show your putting on for them
just be true to you.
wow what a random rant.
anyway...








....it gives you the people you need. To help you, hurt you, to love you, and to make you the person you were meant to be.

if you judge people, you will have no time left to love them.

so ive been having trouble sleeping all week, actually im not gonna lie...for the last couple of months but lately it has gotten to the point where i am getting worried. my students are amazing and so frustrating at the same time..its such an intense paradox and no one can really understand it. every day i am exhausted because i am to cram a million things into one day and fix everyone life before they go home. i only have them for so long and its so frustrating when they do not listen to you. i want more than anything in the world to see them succeed and for them to do well at everything. its safe to say that i love them so much. but with love comes a vulnerability, and i haven't mastered how to keep my own feelings safe. they are only 15 but each one has such a messed up life. when they get mad at me, i try to stay calm but my heart is so deeply involved that i lose it sometimes. i dont know why they would ever say im against them or degrade themselves and others. i don't know why they would throw things at me or kick things across my classroom. i want to know why, i want to understand. i never want to be mad but they are relentless in their seeking of negative attention. the problems stem from everywhere and i understand i cant do it all but i am scared for myself. i am getting my hopes up and my kids are al i think about. everything is about how to best do this, what accommodations can i make for this person and none of them see any of the hard work that i put in just for them to graduate from high school. i dont have energy to talk or explain my life to anyone and i literally stay awake at night worried about what my students are doing right at this moment. sometimes i want to be more than their teacher so i can be there for them. its such a strong feeling of attachment already and i have had them for only 3 months. they are amazing but i have had to grow up so fast just to handle them on a day to day basis. they are six years younger than me. they joke about some of the same things my friends joke about. and its not that i dont like my friends anymore, i just need to be a strong reliable person for my kids, and being around wasted cursing people every second i'm not with them is not a way to mature myself so i can guide my kids in the right direction. if i dont try to help them, i cant guarantee that anyone else ever will. this is their chance, and as hard as it is each day, i am learning to be patient in ways i never knew was possible for myself. no one understands until they see my classroom, but each day is like a mountain waiting to be climbed. its exciting, i love it, but there is no messing around anymore. its all or nothing, and of course, im going to choose all.

A good teacher is like a candle - it consumes itself to light the way for others.

My favorite pump up marathon training quotes

"Running is a big question mark that's there each and every day. It asks you, 'Are you going to be a wimp or are you going to be strong today?'"
- Peter Maher, Canadian marathon runner

"I run because it's so symbolic of life. You have to drive yourself to overcome the obstacles. You might feel that you can't. But then you find your inner strength, and realize you're capable of so much more than you thought."
--Arthur Blank

In the midst of winter, I found there was within me an invincible summer.

"There's no such thing as bad weather, just soft people."
-Bill Bowerman

"Spend at least some of your training time, and other parts of your day, concentrating on what you are doing in training and visualizing your success."
-Grete Waitz

"What distinguishes those of us at the starting line from those of us on the couch is that we learn through running to take what the days gives us, what our body will allow us, and what our will can tolerate."
-John Bingham, running writer and speaker

"Running long and hard is an ideal antidepressant, since it's hard to run and feel sorry for yourself at the same time. Also, there are those hours of clearheadedness that follow a long run."
-Monte Davis

"Man imposes his own limitations, don't set any"
-Anthony Bailey

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
-- Confucius

Do a little more each day than you think you possibly can.
-Lowell Thomas

"The will to win is worthless, without the will to prepare."

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.
Just because your muscles start to protest doesn't mean you have to listen.
Champions are made when no one is watching.

There will be days when I don't know if I can run a marathon. There will be a lifetime knowing that I have.

I do today what you won't so I can do tomorrow what you can't.
You can rest when you're dead.

but i took your matches before fire could catch me.

it takes alot to put yourself out there in any way, and thats the beautiful part about life. when you do, you can get crushed or biult up. you can experience pain, humiliation, or regret. or you could expiereience love, confidence, and support because of it. part of me wonders what conditions decide what your courage to put yourself out there is going to result in. does it depend on the people you have surrounded yourself with in life? I have been thinking a probably pointless amount of time about people coming and going in our lives. Things that happen just make no sense sometimes. My friend from college who is amazing died in his sleep last night. and no one knows why. things are so random and life is so random. whos to say that you wont die tonight? i dont know...i didnt mean this post to be depressing but it is kind of discouraging to put yourself out there wen you see people you know getting beat down when they do so. thats why i have mad respect for people who can. i would never say i am a person who cares alot about what people think of me, but i see now i dont have as much courage as i would like to. so i guess thats something to work on. my thoughts are spinning about who to trust in life, and what relationships even mean. its like no person is worth more than another person..which is true in the census, its true in statistics but everyone means something different to every person and it blows my mind that people let people so close to them that their entire world revolves around that one person. not to say i havent been there, but seeing horrible endings time after time i have to say is discouraging. like everyone is happy at first but then your world starts to crumble. takes a different amount of time for different people but it always happens. then you hate this person that every other person still sees in the same light while you will never be able to look at them the same, and all you want to do it feel like that person is just another person because it would be so much easier. and we all have these people, yet we feel so alone in these situations. and it makes me feel more stupid for letting it get to me because its just some stupid thing i have biult up in my mind that i should have control over. but obviously i dont lol..wow random post. but like i said, life is random.

all that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss.

Well, Taylor swift does it again. I remember when her last album came out and now I am sitting here listening to her new Speak Now album. Premature favorite is Last Kiss but I havent even heard them all yet lol Last Kiss to me speaks to me about a certian relationship how does taylor always do this to me? lol last weekend was whits bday and we went on a pirate cruise. enough said. it was too much to even write about. This weekend is homecoming and halloween so it will prob be crazy also. im feeling overwhelmed with work and roadtrippin on the wekeends makes everything more exhausting but i guess it must be done. wow i feel so old sometimes. hah :)

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep and I'll feel you forget me like I use to feel you breathe and I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are. Hope it's nice where you are and I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day and something reminds you, you wish you had stayed we can plan for a change in weather and time I never planned on you changing your mind.

this is looking like a contest
of who can act like they care less
but i liked it better when you were on my side...

Top Ten Student Taught Lessons Thus Far

So its been a solid month since school started and i wanted to make a list of things my students have taught me this year just so I can remember my first year to the best of my ability...you know me; I'm all about documenting my life..so here it goes...

1. Look on the bright side of each and every moment. Some times, I just stare at kids when they say absolutely ridiculous things that relate on NO level whatsoever to whatever you were teaching and interrupt the flow and blurt out obscenities. But staring is all that I can do to try to keep my composure. Sometimes I cannot even process what I just saw. But no matter what crazy thing happens, and whether its 1st period or 8th period, there is always time to recover. There is always time to turn your mood around.

2. Try your best to stay neutral and pretend you didn't hear thing when nessacary. In a small school of 14-16 year olds, you better believe there is drama and lots of it. Keep up with it so you know the dynamics of your class but do not let on that you know any of it to them because they will suck you in and take up precious class time.

3. Get to know as many students hobbies as possible, yes, but more importantly, get to know something private about as many students as you can. The more they reveal to you, the more you understand their situation and needs, and the more they trust you. This mean letting them talk sometimes and not making them focus on work every second. This means coming off as a cool teacher. This means letting them take a break and sit in your room while they should be inEnglish class because that is where the magic happens and you will hear something that will be shattering to your relationship with that student.

4. Nodding DOESNT count as understanding. Asking for thumbs up, thumbs down, or in the middle is acceptable however.

5. If you want them to do something, model it, or you will waste time, paper, and they will not learn the right way. It is more work but its the only way to conquer all the barriers that are already put in place by life.

6. Transforming my kids from wild beasts to classroom learners requires letting them get it out and being patient. Saying the same thing over 15 times in a day may not sound fun to everyone, but its part of the dedication. Do not get frustrated when kids don't understand or they will give up.

7. Any excuse to get off track and go off on a tangent will be taken, so be VERY careful with using fun examples (aka Transformers cars to demonstrate forces = 10 minute chaos talking about how Bumblebee would morph into something before anything could hit it anyway so none of Newton's laws would apply). Participation is great, but with strict curriculum, gotta stay rolling.

8. Candy is very motivating, and you can throw it out for anything whenever your having a problem, need organization, or need focus.

9. The students that are super hyper, just let them roam the room or pass out every paper or sharpen their pencil five times in a period or visit both trash cans. Do not let them touch people as they walk by, rap, or hum out loud. If you can figure out how to stop them do the latter, let me know.

10. Kids are amazingly complementary one day and the next day act like you are the booger in their nose they want to flick onto someone else. This goes from saying how pretty your outfit or hair is one day and saying your class sucks the next, to giving you a hug one day to not even answering when you ask how are you the next day, to offering great leadership and thinking skills in the class one day to being off task and disruptive the next. Notice it, but do not overanalyze it. They're hot and they're cold. Dont be too sensitive (like when they tell me I am sucky artist, but you try drawing your hand with the thumb and pointer finger pressing together thank you very much).

But you know, I am loving the adventure in my life so far, even if I'm making a great amount of mistakes. Besdies, "I've learned so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking about making a few more." The End for now.

Looking through the glass I think about the man that's standin next to me....

Gloomy, rainy, lonely Sunday over here. Missing Dad so here are some new remembrance songs I found. enjoy the lyrics <3

I remember Daddy´s hands, folded silently in prayer.
And reaching out to hold me, when I had a nightmare.
You could read quite a story, in the callouses and lines.
Years of work and worry had left their mark behind.
I remember Daddy´s hands, how they held my Mama tight,
And patted my back, for something done right.
There are things that I´ve forgotten, that I loved about the man,
But I´ll always remember the love in Daddy´s hands.

I'm gonna watch you shine
Gonna watch you grow
Gonna paint a sign
So you'll always know
As long as one and one is two
There could never be a father
That loved his daughter more than I love you

I wish this was a riverbank instead of a graveyard, wish we sittin and fishin and this wouldnt be so hard. It was my
favorite thing that we use to do, but now we cant. I wish you were here, I wish this was a river bank.

Daddy's hands were soft and kind when I was cryin´.
Daddy´s hands, were hard as steel when I´d done wrong.
Daddy´s hands, weren´t always gentle
But I´ve come to understand.
There was always love in Daddy´s hands.

Hope is an anchor, and love is a ship
Time is the ocean and life is a trip
You don't know where you're going
Til you know where you're at
And if you can't read the stars
Well you better have a map
A compass and a conscience
so you don't get lost at sea
Around some lonely island, no one wants to be

so many things i wanna say to him, but i just placed a rose on his grave, and talk to the wind...
i still miss you. 111003

who you are is not what you did.

Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything and everybody believed in you?

Taylor Swift wrote a song for Kanye and these are some of the lyrics.I am pretty excited for her new album at the end of OCtober. So I got alot going on around the county, trying to get involved in a lot of things...you know. Went to the volunteer fair last week and am signing up for shifts at the Habitat for Humanity Restore, AnneMarie Gardens,and possibly taking an EMT class? I also need to enroll in a masters program for next semester. My friends are I are planning on going to Costa Rica next summer so were starting to work on that plan..Luckily I'm not the main planner, not my thing. Umm I signed up for a 5K and a 10 miler within the next two months to motivate myself to work out. Also, I have joined weight watchers online and fitness singles. Met a guy but havent met up with him yet. My bday is coming up..its weird that I am going to be 22 soon. Such a crazy transition time. My weight loss goal is 165 which is losing between 15 and 20 pounds. I think controlling my portions is going to be great to learn. Alrighty well we dont have school tomorrow because of election day so I have a day to hang out and get some stuff done hopefully. Goodnight, heres some more taylor to put me to sleep.

Time turns flames to embers
You'll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too
Lives change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never to late to
Be brand new

do you realize....

you have the most beautiful face
Do You Realize we're floating in space.
Do You Realize that happiness makes you cry
Do You Realize that everyone you know someday will die
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

Lately, i have been running around during the day, going to the gym, stuffing my face, and getting into these deep thought processes late at night. I think its because i didnt have alot of time a night in college to wind down and i do like to think so now that is what im doing. i have a field trip tomorrow and friday and then its labor day weekend so i am really pumped about that. nervous about the field trip but its gonna be fun and hopefully just give me some time to become closer with my kids and devlop some stronger relationships to make them trust me in the classroom and therefore make them more willing to work in my class :) canoeing should be interesting. also, i get 2 paychecks on friday so im excited about that to. there wa a hostage situation in st marys and silver spring today and also a 300 lb bull shark was found in the potomas river. crazy stuff. that was a fast summary. but tireddd.

"She wants to know if I love her, that's all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet."

"It's the tragedy of loving, you can't love anything more than something you miss."

i hope you find it....

what youre looking for
and i hope its everything you dreamed your life would be andf so much more
and i hope your happy
whereever you are...

one chance in a lifetime was worth the waiting.

When the light is gone the memory of nothings left to sound...
And if your feeling ill, it's cause the world is spinning fast

It is almost september of 2010 and alot has changed in my life since i last wrote, but im not interested in all that right now.... i watched the last song with miley cyrus in it today..didnt think it would be good but colby and mrs gehrig really liked it so i decided to give it a try. it was amazing. miley cyrus aside of course. it made me so unproductive today because it put me in thinking and reflective mode and got me thinking about my dad and stuff like that. for those of you who dont know the main characters dad is sick but doesnt tell the daughter and she feels bad for being mean to him and its sad and of course theres a boy in it and the dad ends up dying in the end. its typical nicholas sparks stuff. but i saw so much in this movie that paralleled my life. it was intense. if your reading this, you know me very well and know what i am talking about.but it just sent me into a whirlwind of memories. thinking about al the people in my life now who didnt know me back then freaks me out. i feel like you dont understand who i am as a person if you dont understand those 2 years of my life. i feel i dont let you in if you didnt know me back then, and i am hesitant to change because i dont want to explain to people who didnt know me. wow none of this makes sense reading it back over but its does to me so thats all that really matters i guess.

on another note, i dont like taylor swifts new song or video which is surprising to me. guess im over her?

this weekend was my first weekend of being a real working girl. :) I am exhausted and tomorrow starts my first full week. seriously way too much is going on to write about but this week i realized how supportive my friends and family are. Being away from College Park is so healthy for me right now and opening my eyes to what real relationships are..ugh sorry, i warned you im in a really deep thinking mood right now haha ill spare you from the rest of my thoughts. i need sleep anyway. goodnight y'all.. <3


one chance in a lifetime was worth the waiting.

your words are inked on my skin....

never thought I could love anyone but myself

Now I know I can't love anyone but you....

And so it goes, this soldier knows

The battle with the heart isn't easily won...

You are not mine to ask things of
But I ask you anyway.

you let me in but then you slam my fingers in the door.

i've had enough but i keep asking you to give me more.

The colored lights, they brightly shine

Unlike your eyes avoiding mine

the truth impales, that you don't need me, but you won't leave me

I am giving up on making passes and

I am giving up on half empty glasses and
I am giving up on greener grasses

I find you stunning, but you are running me down...

Sometimes what we think we really want we don't

And if I was stronger then I would tell you no

sometimes what we think we want we really dont

And if I was stronger then I will leave this show

Sometimes what we think we love we don't

And if I was stronger then I would up and go

But here I am and here we go again

all i can do is keep breathing....

Oh what a night is tonight

I think I'm ready to fight
Now that my broken bones all have been healed

I think I'm starting to feel

We don't say a word

There's nothing to say that hasn't been heard

Tell me what to do, to take away the you

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,

Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys...

I have come to learn I'll only see you interrupting my dreams at night

And that's alright....

The only way to really know is to really let it go

Happy is the heart that still feels pain

Darkness drains and light will come again
Swing open your chest and let it in

just let the love love love begin. <3

i just wanna know something today...

Reading my old blogs has surprisingly helped me put things into perspective tonight. Sometimes i shock myself by how much insight i can give myself. and i guess this is one reason that i do blog and journal and write poems and stuff, its so i can draw inspiration from myself when i need it. seeing how strong and insightful i was two years ago pushes me to be more insightful now and grow more. i have not written in an extremely long time and i dont know why. i sort of forgot i even had a blog which is embarrassing. But it is almost the end of july. I graduated from college about two months ago, but still hanging out in cp for a few more weeks. This summer has been VERY different from every summer before and from every time in my life before. i wouldnt exactly call it a funk, but all of my friends are gone and i am still in limbo here. dont get me wrong its been amazing. i went to jamaica, bonnaroo, and RI for the 4th of july. I have hung out with my lifeguards and tanned and got to know some pretty cool people as always. i have been interviewing and into that whole process and finally accepted a job offer last week so I see the end now. I am in such a weird place and i cannot really explain it to anyone. Its like an era of my life is coming to a close, and reading my blog makes me see how crazy it is. I am always a person who loves the moment and goes with the flow, and this will be no different but having all this down time makes me reflect on things and too much time with my mind can be a bad thing for me. Its like I already lost my apartment, most of my friends, but i am still physically in college park so the transition is not complete. and i need to get away from some situations here and just the lifestyle and craziness of college. Its like im ready to leave but not ready to leave. like that line in the sherwood song. "cuz id move away but im never to leave." so 3 weeks left here in cp. how do i feel so young yet feel like a grown up at the same time? So strange. Im like hanging onto things and picking and choosing what i want to give up on. wow i sound like im rambling. i just cant wait to get home, settled, stable my life, become healthy and start my career. but its def hitting me and i will actually admit its a lot harder than i thought it would be to move forward.

A List of Things I want to do over the next year:

1. Paint/Redo my room

2. Run Another Half Marathon

3. Start My Masters/ Figure out plan for that

4. Get involved coaching

5. Be an awesome teacher

6. Go on a cruise

7.TBC

...know that maybe i will be ok.

get caught in the race of this crazy life, trying to be everything can make you lose your mind

It is spring break, thursday night to be exact. most of my friends are in cp partying since its thursday night and all..kristen is at a golf pros and tiger hoes party which is hilarious to me and sigkap has a social tonight but i am on my spring break and home in st marys county. i had to suffer in cp alone while everyone else was away on their tropical getaways and now its my turn. I visited catherine in new yok from sat to monday night which and it was only my second time there and we had alot of fun. however, im not a huge fan of NYC, dont think ill ever be. ppl are so selfish and everything is way too fast. no one is enjoying life it seems...but its a cool place to see thats for sure. So then i visited colb for a night now im home in st marys. I washed my car today to get the throw up off of it from mike and our st pattys day adventure at howl at the moon in baltimore, and ive never hand washed my car so that was cool. We got new porch furniture so i sat out on it and chilled. I honestly am so relaxed being home its amazing..This place reminds me that there is more to life than going out getting drunk hooking up blah blah blah..and im really close to being on that more to life side....

it makes me feel wierd though...the past two months have been absolutely insane with student teaching and go go going 24/7. ive been exhausted every day, felt disconnected from my friends and borderline winter depressed in general. and since i was training for my marathon (which i ran 2 weeks ago and got my time goal of under 2 hours!!!! :) ), i think i just physically and emotionally drowned myself. I was struggling just to make it to spring break. That is not how the rest of the smester is gonna be i decided. This week is giving me a breath of fresh air and i do realize that i have 5 weeks leeft of student teaching then its time for GRADUATIOn. this whole graduating college thing is about to happen for real. So on to the reason i feel wierd..i know i should be making the most of my time left in CP...hell i should even be in CP now partying since i can never go out on thursday nights normally...but i just feel so over that whole scene. I feel like my life is gonna go to better places and im sick of the get drunk stand in a bar scene. makes me feel giulty though cuz this has been my life and love for 4 years now. even now being at home, i feel no desire to go out at night and see people. its weird, its like im in a major finding myself stage and i really do just want to be independent and alone right now...and im not trying to say im better than my friends who still partying because trust me before i graduate i will drink with them all, but im not in a rush to do that every night. i kinda feel like i have hit reality sooner then some of them just because of the whole student teaching thing...i dunno really what im saying is i feel like im ready to graduate but i know the second that it happens, ill wanna go back..so its just like wtfff haha whatever, im happy now in st marys, getting rejuvenated for april and may which are going to be 2 of the most exciting months of my life, and yes i seriously mean that...its so good to take a step back and get sleep and rest and not be stressed and sleep in and figure things out and feel healthy again. :) and considering my last couple weeks that have been super rough on me, i think its safe to assume that it can only go up from here!

couldnt wait to get going,
but wasnt quite ready to leave
so innocent, pure and sweet
like american honey

where we gonna go from here

"and I used to miss you so much when that happened, but it never seemed like you missed me. And I guess because of it, I stopped missing you."

and i watched that moment flicker, as they vanished in the air, right in front of me, but he didnt seem to care.

oN poetry.com i looked up the greatest love poems ever written and i found some good ones and ones i didnt like (mostly about people living happily ever after) I think a good poem captures a struggle. Celebrating a joy is good and all but people like reading words that are articulated perfectly about something that is so bsurbly imperfect in their own brain. writing a poem is clarity on a topic because limiting the amount of words you can say allows concise feelings to come out. this is why the best poems ever written are free and wild and fierce, though provoking and clear and mysterious at the same time. the more i think and read and write, the more passionate i get about words. teaching my kids science is so important but balancing it with the right tools for the kids to express themselves is even more important. should i have been an english teacher? i dont knowwww. hmm song lyrics are really just poems, and as much as i do lovel melodies, the lyrics is what really makes me like a song or not. ok im sick so im gonna sleep

might as well jump :)

sooo I'm running a half marathon on March 20, and Im figuring since it is January 2nd today (and yesterday all I did was sleep), today would be a good time to talk about new years resolutions. I am now 21, a senior at Maryland, and student teaching starting this Monday, all of which are scary but exciting things. Im gonna use this blog as a way to talk about my training for my marathon..its a 12 week program and I started it last Monday. Today is my first long run so Im going to St. Mary's Lake wih dei to run 7 miles once I fuel up. Runners world gave me a personalized 12 week training program and amazing i already feel more in shape. Running alot for me doesnt translate into losing weight, in fact, i prob gained like 3 lbs on new years yesterday lol..but it makes me feel unstoppable an that is an awesome feeling. i could have never done this in high school or at any point until now. i can run five miles easily and still feel great...running also makes me body feel strong and healthy, like i could take on anything if i have to. i love watching m leg muscles work every stride and seeing how far i can go knowing that everyone cant do this. i never ever thought i would lik running as much as i do now, but as i get better at it, i will only like it more, so im excited. its freezing out (high of 30) but im gonna gear up and go because whats if its cold on my race day! ok enough rambling. i havent really thought of my new years resolutions yet, that will wait til after myrun :) ttyl

and i know, baby, just how you feel
you gotta roll wit the punches to get to whats real